Re: getting to know my lgf

Hi naphedim!!!

And welcome to GC!!!

OK, so... regarding your last two posts, I could have tons of comments...

a) You should be careful with the mother. And you should also make clear to her that you two should be careful with her. She looks like more of an absence now. But she might someday have the idea that she doesn't like you and her together just because and that would ruin both your lives. Just be friendly with her, make her believe you think she's a great mom, as false as that is - give her no reason to think badly of you or to want to lash out at you. Occasionally do a favour for her, even if you think you shouldn't. You don't have to start hanging out with her - but you want her to think of you as a nice neighbour, not as a strange or suspicious one.

Talk with her too. You don't want her to say or do anything that might trigger mom's suspicions or jealousies. As hypocritical as that can be, she needs to minimise her relationship with and feelings for you when she talks with her mom (or with anyone else for that matter - but her mom is the one that has the button closest).

b) Congratulations on your engagement - can I be your best man??? It sounds like a dream come true to me...

c) Otoh, not to cut your wings off...

You both might have marriage and life together as a life goal. I don't question it. As a matter of fact, I fully endorse it. However, you know, or at least you should know, that people change, and that, if you live anywhere in the West these days, it will take some time before you can marry her legally. That means that, yesh, you both can be looking at marriage as your mutual goal. But don't be all that disheartened or disappointed if it turns out not to happen after all... It is a long term goal, and you both cannot know what will happen in between... Just a warning - of course, enjoy the ride, and if you do get married, again, can I be your best man???

d) Which brings me to another very important point...

At this point in time and given her situation at home, you are not her husband. Neither does she need you as such. At this point in time and situation at home, what she needs is for you to be there. You are, like it or not, bound to be all her parent, her friend, her shrink, her bank, her hotel, her restaurant... - and all of that is equally or more important than being her boyfriend.

Admittedly, that's a little of a marriage relationship... but it's still not the same because there's a third person with de facto and de jure legal and social rights...

In any case, before perceiving her as your future wife, make sure the great girl she is becomes a great woman (Yes, there are such people!!!). That is your most important duty now.

And I am sure a great woman after knowing you all those years would marry you.

e) She is right. You don't need to hurt her like that. First of all, because of your relation's nature and circumstance, she calls the shots. She certainly has almost all the power in the relationship, and that's easy to see. When she wants you to be "just friends", she'll tell you. And if it happens, be prepared, because it will hurt like hell.

That said, you two need a talk about societal expectations that Adult Man and Little Girl aren't supposed to date.

And what it implies for your relationship, and for her, and for you.

And a few codewords for when you two are outside together... if she can't picture herself calling you "dad", at the very least an "uncle naphedim" would still play it decently safe... In any case, because of the above, you two need to call each other like family, not like couple (you might get away with cute words to her like "pun'kin", but she won't with calling you back "my stud" :p)...

Well, I guess that's all.

See you laterz and best of luck!!!!!