Another chapter in the neverending soap opera

I've been off here a few days, needed time to think and sort myself out. It is hard to step back from you life, analyze it, and make the necessary adjustments to your thinking to ensure that you do the right things, but I think I am getting closer.

On the plus side, this weekend was amazing. Spent it with my girls, just us alone having the best time we have ever had with each other. On the drive home we talked about it and all agreed it was the most fun we had as a family. Just spending time together, playing games, jumping around in the water. It is times like these that make all the hard times in life worth it, and one day gave me enough joy to keep me going for many many weeks.

In other news, Penelope has proven to be a slight problem. Any reservations she used to have with getting close to me have vanished and I find myself with clenched jaw as I try to stay calm when she comes at me and taunts me. One afternoon she ran in the door and literally jumped on my lap and put her face right into mine just to say hi. When she realized that I wasn't going to respond and grab her or tickle her or something she finally moved off. Several times she ran into my room and jumped in my bed claiming that she was stealing my bed and that I would have to physically remove her....tempting...very tempting, but I just looked at her and told her she could have it and moved off. Realizing I was getting way to physical with her, I decided I can't keep this going further, for both our sakes. But we can still talk and joke around, and it is a wonderful feeling knowing that she wants me to tackle and play with her...

And then there is the ever ongoing situation with Emma. She recently turned 12 and my daughter went to her birthday party. I had to take this opportunity to pass the necklace along to her, so I wrapped it and gave it to my daughter to which she asked why. I know we talked about this, but we never talked about my feelings about her and was afraid to breach the subject with my daughter, so was evasive in my answer. She came right back with 'what? do you like her back or something? What's the matter with you, she's 12!'

Ooops. This was bad. It was an hour drive to take her out there, but right then I decided we needed to stop. So we went into a restaurant to have a snack and pop. I started right up with 'now. Do you want to call me a freak, call me other names, or can we talk about this?' And we talked, explained to her that this is how I am. It went well and we were off to the party again.

As we pull up, her father is waiting there. Slightly tense, we got out of the car and I spoke with her father. What time to pick her up? what are the plans? Have fun with all these little girls.

That was it, I got in for the long drive home, she would be staying overnight. It was a little eerie. No signs of any ill feeling towards me, so I guess it was good. Better than I had expected. Emma was there standing beside him, but I could barely give her a glance, doing what I could to reassure him.

I was calm. Relaxed. It was done. My daughter would give her the package; the last effort I needed to do with her in mind. It was done, I could move on.

Next day I picked her up and I talked with the father for 20 minutes. talking about life in their new house, cars, etc, etc. It went very well. However Emma and I both disregarded each other. Nothing more than a hi, and casual glances when it was appropriate. Gone was the girl I had seen the last few times. And it all hit me. The drive home was quiet as I was lost in my own thought upon a realization I had ignored before. And I took note of her naked neck.

The realization was that she was smiling, playing, laughing like a child. Like she should be. The last several times we saw each other, she was different. She was trying to be different. She was trying to be more mature. She was trying to appear older. Wearing lip gloss, padded bra, hair down and styled more like a grown woman. She was trying to make herself more appealing to me, by trying to be older.

But here she was, just a girl, and gone was the attempt to get my attention. And this made me sad. By doing what I was and falling for her, did I just almost steal her childhood because she wanted to be older for me? This is not what I want. I want her happy, laughing, playing. I don't want her to grow up because of me.

Now with our relations looking completely recovered, I can foresee many new visits in the future. And I must work this through my head. I can't deny my feelings, but I can hide them. Perhaps the summer has let her move on and anything between us is completely done. That would be best.

And upon our return home my daughter hands me back the wrapped package. She didn't have a good time to pass it along to her so it is back with me. That's fine. But I just wanted it done with. I at least wanted her to know that she was/is special; it is still hers unless she wants to return it.

So the drama continues.

Confusion is where I stand. What next? Who nows. I will just try to keep an eye away from the situation so I can ensure I don't do something wrong.

Oh...and one last thing....I just love little girls. I can't imagine not loving them and allow them to brighten my day. Life is good.