A Few Days Of Heaven

I guess there's a demon out there who doesn't like it when GLers have fun - I got the chance of a truly wonderful, amazing few days last week with S., my favourite girl, and then I get laid low with this dastardly lurgy, sickness bug ... but it can dampen the flesh but not the spirit!! Wish she was sat here with me now - she could effect a cure through the laying on of sweet hands. Mmmm... feeling better already:)

Firstly, I need to get a seemingly trivial but in reality monumentally important point out of the way first: how I refer to her on here. For some reason, I've got to kind of dislike using another name for her - "Saoirse" is a beautiful name, but it's not hers after all. And hers is even prettier. So I'm reverting to 'S' again. Pedantic? Maybe, but obsession with every detail seems inevitable when you're in love...:) Awwwww...heh:) Bear with me...

Her class teacher was off sick (maybe the sickness demon is a little conflicted in his aims?) so I got the call to fill in for a few days. Now the first thing I want to say here is the fact that it is by now fairly obvious to quite a few folks at that school that there is, well, something between us - undoubtedly just seen as an affectionate friendship, but in some of the more insane quarters of today's society an affectionate friendship between a guy and a lg is enough to cause irrational reaction. I'm encouraged to say I've had none really: amusement, yes; variations on "Awww, isn't it sweet...", yes; but so far no crazily absurd assumptions of potential child molestation. Nor the opposite - which is to say I'm fairly sure no one realises I'm a paedo! I should add that this is a school in which I am very well known by staff and parents alike, and have some good friends there.

Now, obviously there is no way in hell I'm gonna do this, but it sort of makes you really wish it were possible to point it out: "You see? I'm a paedo - I'm a girl lover - I'm in love with a little girl - and it doesn't change anything - there is no reason to judge this any differently because of that."

One other thing - a lot of our critics seem to see GL relationships as pretty superficial: flash-in-the-pan, and move on as soon as another pretty girl entices our attention. Well, I'm not blind to other girls, and there are others who tug at my heartstrings, but S. is special, really special - and what's more, our relationship seems progressive - there was an amazing moment between us last week, which I will share a bit later in this post. I've been totally in love with this little girl now for two years, and I don't see that dimming, but intensifying and growing in time.

OK. Firstly, the feelings I have for this little girl. Obviously I love her, in every way. And my feelings for her are fully erotic and romantic; she is unfathomably adorable, and beautiful, in that gentle, heart-melting way of a lovely young girl. And, there is a breath-taking (and delightfully playful) sensuality about the way she physically interacts with me.

She takes my hand in hers - not a clumsy, clammy "I'm holding teacher's hand" sort of approach; oh no, she is naturally sensual and, I have to say, she really knows what she is about She holds my hand, then lightly rubs over it with her fingers. She knows I love this, and she keeps looking up at me I wear a short-sleeved shirt (intentionally now!) and she takes my arm, curls her fingers up into a loose half-fist, and very lightly brushes her fingers up and down against the underside of my arm. Then she cuddles tight, and buries her nose into my shirt. It's that mix of the "little girl child warmth, affection", and the gentle, budding feminine sensuality and playful sweet seductiveness that drives me mad with love and desire for her.

I don't believe that we should ever feel remotely abashed about our erotic/sexual/sensual feelings for little girls; rather the opposite - we are right to celebrate and proclaim them! One of my Christian friends is terribly suspicious of erotic love - in all its manifestations - and keeps telling me he would find girl loving so much easier to 'accept' if we tried to de-sexualise our feelings for girls. This reflects a horribly negative view of sexuality - in his case it comes from a certain religious influence, but it could just as easily come from a (misjudged) cynicism about sexuality which strips it of genuine feeling and romance. I've quoted this before, and I'm going to quote it again here... I'm not personally religious, and I don't need to be to love this definition of the erotic, from Christian theologian Paul Tillich: eroticism *is* "the longing to establish full relationship". I think it is just that - a longing of every aspect of oneself, emotional, sensual, spiritual, everything, to connect with every aspect of the one loved. Not in every instance, but this is its capacity, this is that sense of ultimate longing.

Behind the sensuality, the physicality of the way that S. and I like to interact, are our feelings for each other. They are the physical expression of those feelings. Now I've got to this point, I can describe that special moment I mentioned somewhere above...

S comes to me and tells me she wants to say something to me. The lesson has just ended and the kids are about to go outside for break. I'm on duty, so I'm on my way out with them, S. holding onto my hand. I take her to one side, away from the other children, and ask her what she wants to say. She flicks her hair back and reddens slightly. "I'll get embarrassed..." she says. She's usually far from shy, so I'm a little surprised. I tell her she can tell me anything she likes, and, if she'd rather not, that's OK too. I'm hunched down in front of her, she's looking at me then she just says........ "I love you..."

Let me tell you that the desire to answer her with those same words was so strong, probably the strongest desire I've ever felt in my life. But I couldn't. No matter how frustrating, I couldn't. I'm a teacher, and for those few days, her teacher. There is no way on earth I will ever say to her, "Don't tell anyone I said that!" And if she did, I'm fairly certain of the result: they'd not call me again, and I'd never see her. So I couldn't say it. But if what I said above makes any sense at all, I don't think I needed to use words

I hug her close. After, her lovely, dazzling eyes are slightly wet; her adorable little nose is about an inch from mine. She tilts her head and looks at me (into me) with so much love I nearly pass out on the spot...

After that bit of earnestness she is up for some play. All the stuff she loves - hiding behind me, trying to pinch stuff out of my pockets:) Then she stops for cuddles, strokes my hand with her soft fingers; and now she decides to kiss and nuzzle all over the back of my hand! Soft, wet lips and nose pressing against my skin, over and over; I tickle her and she giggles, then wants another little hug:)

And what about the other kids? How do they see our friendship? Actually, they seem to love it. As I've said before, S. is kind of eccentric in some ways, and the other kids really like her and find her funny.

On one of the other days, we are playing a game near home-time which involves the children putting their hands up to volunteer answers. Whenever I ask S. for her answer (waving madly at me - you know the way lgs do when they raise their hands in class) I go right over to her table, take her hand, kneel down and gaze into her eyes! Now, this is - of course - done in affectionate fun, because the other kids like the fact that we're friends, and both they and she find this twist to the game highly amusing:) It affords me yet another cuddle from her and some more sweet words before the day ends...

One thought to end with. I left the school at the end of the last day with her on a high - but the high was mixed in with something else... that sense of frustration: of knowing that I can only see her at certain times, sometimes far apart. And often there's no knowing when - just depends on circumstances. That can be pretty tough, especially after the delights of last week. I do find that memories are sustaining though... it is powerful; you can live on it for a long, long time. But I do have this undeniable sense of need for her... She really is everything to me now...

~Mesmerised