Conrfessions and Lamentations

I need help.

There is no doubt about it. But there is also no help I see that would be helpful.

I have been distant from this board for a while, posting here and there but nothing worthwhile. And I have avoided VoA altogether.

I like both places because they were places I could let go and be myself and not have to hide parts of me that I had to hide everywhere else in life. But when I started to hide here and at VoA, I didn't have the desire to be here anymore, and then I started to ask why I was hiding.

And so the then, why? Because I was/am ashamed, and I don't want to admit the truth.

I was so proud of myself and so happy when I managed to stop drinking months ago. But what I hid so well was the fact I started again a few weeks after, and haven't stopped. Sometimes I really want to stop, but then I see reality in front of me and I want it all to go away.

Truth is I hate my life. I have everything that would make a 'normal' person happy, and I *should* be happy, but it just makes it more painful. I believe there are a certain group of people that live off their emotions, that are meant to love and be loved and can never be free until they can love. I can relate to Van Gogh cutting of his ear for love, I would do more. But I am doomed to not love, and the void is killing me.

I love my girls, I love raising them and having their friends over and everything having children entails. But in the same note I feel trapped. A single dad, their mother is completely unavailable, so I am all they have. But I don't want to be here, don't want to live this lie pretending to be the normal dad all the while drowning in my own despair because everytime I fall in love it is doomed to be unrequited. Not to mention how *wrong* society views my love.

A few weeks ago it all came crashing down. My daughter talked to me and told me how much she really didn't like Emma, and that she probably won't be contacting her anymore. No doubt to me, this is in response to her discovery of my feelings for her. And faced with the certainty of never seeing her again, after holding on to hope beyond reason, I fell hard.

Then a few days ago the girls brought home a new friend. So cute and shy and her giggling made me melt when she saw the other girls play with me. When I was finally introduced to her my heart skipped. Emma. What were the freaking odds? However, I showed her more interest than the others and asked too many questions about her and my daughter decided that she doesn't like her that much anymore.

I can't talk to her about it, because she is jealous I guess. Where before she saw no harm in my interest in her friends now she keeps them away. So, another reason for me to fall hard.

And I can't get help. I thought of AA, but without being able to talk of my reasons for drinking, what is the point? Therapist? Same thing. In a way, acknowledging my GL has backfired. My kids know and that is backfiring. The only girl that comes around is Penelope because they know she is neutral to me. And I think sometimes she knows with how much she tortures me with her flirting.

I try to do better. I know this is not the person my Emma fell for, but I also find I don't care. Part of me wants to be the best person I can be thinking that I will be rewarded eventually. But I don't care. My heart is dead and I am just waiting for the rest of me to follow. And don't get me wrong, it's not just about Emma, it's about everything. I hate this world and my life and most of all the fact that I am not allowed to release my heart and love like I am meant to.

I guess the help I need is a good friend to slap me in the face and entertain me when the call of the bottle become to great. But I am not allowed friends. The people I call *friend* are few and have no idea who I really am. I have done such a great job at hiding myself that nobody knows me.

I just want to run away and find a place in this world where I can be accepted. But my girls need me, so I am stuck here. Perhaps with luck I can get through this and move on after they have grown.

...

I am done. I need to drop off for a while, thx for being there and doing your best to help. The last year would have been impossibly difficult without this place.