F@+K Life *Warning Strong Language*

I know that this will turn into a very long post, but I think that you said a lot of things in yours that deserve an adequate response, and I wont stop until they get it.

I need help.

There is no doubt about it. But there is also no help I see that would be helpful.

I have been there, and I understand what you mean. You are looking around desperately for someone to come help pull you from your emotional depths. You have come to discover that every potential source of support is nothing but pretentious bullshit. You are seemingly left without options.

The only advice that I can offer you is that when I found myself in a similar line of thinking, the person that was most helpful in getting me out was myself. I discovered along the way that it wasnt life that I hated, I actually love life with every fiber of my being, the thing I hated was myself. I wasnt proud of who I was, and I certainly wasnt proud of who I saw myself becoming. I had to take hold of myself and force myself to start working to correct my issues. It took a lot of will power on my behalf, but I eventually got out. I forced myself to make my life into something I could be proud of. Now I love who I am, and I love life.

I have been distant from this board for a while, posting here and there but nothing worthwhile. And I have avoided VoA altogether.

I like both places because they were places I could let go and be myself and not have to hide parts of me that I had to hide everywhere else in life. But when I started to hide here and at VoA, I didn't have the desire to be here anymore, and then I started to ask why I was hiding.

And so the then, why? Because I was/am ashamed, and I don't want to admit the truth.

I was so proud of myself and so happy when I managed to stop drinking months ago. But what I hid so well was the fact I started again a few weeks after, and haven't stopped. Sometimes I really want to stop, but then I see reality in front of me and I want it all to go away.

Firstly, Ill say that you didnt hide it that well. I was 95% sure you were drinking again on a more-than-casual level. You mentioned a few times when you were drinking casually, and then numerous other times when you were had fallen into dark places. I could read between the lines.

Out of my immediate family of eleven (Brothers, sisters, parents, grandmother, some uncles, and myself), nine are alcoholics. I am well aware of how they act when they are and are not drinking, and while you didnt explicitly say that you had been drinking, your words reeked of booze, in a manner of speaking.

I will confess that I have never been a drinker, never drank at all, to tell you the truth, not one drop in my twenty-something years of existence. The reason? As I was growing up, I became scared shitless that I would end up like my father. The reason I dont drink isnt because I dont think I would like it, it is because I know I would like it too much. Its in my blood. So while I dont have a direct perspective of your situation, I think I am well enough acquainted with alcoholism to speak with some authority.

I have witnessed all of them using drinking as a coping mechanism for the pain they are going through, as I have noticed you doing. The problem with doing that is that drinking isnt a proactive way to cope with your life issues, it is counteractive. Yes, it dulls the pain for a little while, but in the end, you are left with the same shitty life you started with, and drinking has just made it all that much shittier. Drinking isnt going to make your reality go away, it is simply going to postpone having to deal with it. If you truly want reality as you know it to go away, you have to take steps to change your reality. Make your life into something you like.

Truth is I hate my life. I have everything that would make a 'normal' person happy, and I *should* be happy, but it just makes it more painful. I believe there are a certain group of people that live off their emotions, that are meant to love and be loved and can never be free until they can love. I can relate to Van Gogh cutting of his ear for love, I would do more. But I am doomed to not love, and the void is killing me.

First of all, clearly you dont have everything that would make a normal person happy. From what I have observed, you seem like a normal person to me, and you are unhappy. The lack of reciprocal love is enough to make a normal person unhappy. Dont start viewing yourself as a broken person. That is a defeatist attitude, and is often used as a justification not to fix the things that are wrong with your life. Your life clearly has problems, but many of them are problems that, with time, can be fixed. You just have to work on making a plan on what you can do to fix your issues, and then actually go through proactive steps toward making sure you reach your goals.

With the problems that you cant fix, such as societies intolerance of pedophiles and adult-child relationships, you need to learn to be happy with making the best out of your situation. Sure, you cant have an open sexual relationship with a girl, but that still leaves a hell of a lot that you can have. Even if you dont think that it will be enough, you should work on getting there before you cast judgment. You may find that when you are perfectly legally cuddling with a girl on the couch while watching a movie, or when she tells you she loves you before you leave, that life is indeed worth living.

I love my girls, I love raising them and having their friends over and everything having children entails. But in the same note I feel trapped. A single dad, their mother is completely unavailable, so I am all they have. But I don't want to be here, don't want to live this lie pretending to be the normal dad all the while drowning in my own despair because everytime I fall in love it is doomed to be unrequited. Not to mention how *wrong* society views my love.

I am sorry to be harsh on this point, but this is one of the few things in jds post that I kind of agree with. You are their father. You had damn well better continue to be a good father to them. To do otherwise would be inexcusable. This is one of the aspects of your life which you cant change, and you are just going to have to work within the limits to make the most of your situation. Being a normal father doesnt mean that you cant be a girl lover as well. You are not going to be a functional, happy human being unless you can find a way to be both. I dont think the dysfunction stems from your sexual orientation so much as the fact that you are trying to hide your depression in general. Its not worth it. Putting on a happy mask doesnt do anything for anyone. Your daughters almost surely know that you are depressed, and that as a result of it, you are a drunk. The pretense does nothing except throw your life into emotional turmoil.

A few weeks ago it all came crashing down. My daughter talked to me and told me how much she really didn't like Emma, and that she probably won't be contacting her anymore. No doubt to me, this is in response to her discovery of my feelings for her. And faced with the certainty of never seeing her again, after holding on to hope beyond reason, I fell hard.

Then a few days ago the girls brought home a new friend. So cute and shy and her giggling made me melt when she saw the other girls play with me. When I was finally introduced to her my heart skipped. Emma. What were the freaking odds? However, I showed her more interest than the others and asked too many questions about her and my daughter decided that she doesn't like her that much anymore.

I can't talk to her about it, because she is jealous I guess. Where before she saw no harm in my interest in her friends now she keeps them away. So, another reason for me to fall hard.

Are you sure that she is jealous of these other girls, because to me it seems a bit like she is still not comfortable with your sexual orientation. While she seemed alright with it originally, I dont think it hit home until you told her you had feelings for Emma. Since, then she seems to have had an aversion toward Emma and toward you spending time with her. It went from my dad has crushes on little girls to my dad has crushes on my friends, which is probably more alarming to a young girl. She is probably afraid that she will be labeled the girl with creepy dad or something of that nature. You need to get her to understand that it is society that is wrong, not you, and letting you be yourself is the right thing to do. Hopefully then she will be more comfortable with your advances. Until then, I would recommend trying to be less obvious about your favoritism toward her friends. You can enjoy their company, and still not do things that will alarm your daughter. It will be a delicate and long process, but eventually she will accept you for who you are.

And I can't get help. I thought of AA, but without being able to talk of my reasons for drinking, what is the point? Therapist? Same thing. In a way, acknowledging my GL has backfired. My kids know and that is backfiring. The only girl that comes around is Penelope because they know she is neutral to me. And I think sometimes she knows with how much she tortures me with her flirting.

Firstly, even though you cant be 100% truthful with the people at AA, I think that you could be truthful enough for it to work. Just say that you are having woman problems and that you dont feel like you can find the right woman to reciprocate your love. You can explain your problems vaguely enough so that they are true enough for the other members to associate with, but not to catch on that you are a pedophile, let GC deal with your GL problems. After all, you wouldnt go to your dentist to give you spinal surgery. I think that there are many sources of aid that can deal with your issues, and that you are just going to have to rely on them synergistically. None on there own would work, but I think together they can all be beneficial. It is of the utmost importance that you stop drinking, especially when you are in such a volatile state, and AA can help you with dealing with those urges.

I try to do better. I know this is not the person my Emma fell for, but I also find I don't care. Part of me wants to be the best person I can be thinking that I will be rewarded eventually. But I don't care. My heart is dead and I am just waiting for the rest of me to follow. And don't get me wrong, it's not just about Emma, it's about everything. I hate this world and my life and most of all the fact that I am not allowed to release my heart and love like I am meant to.

This is a place I have been before, and not so long ago. When you just flip life the bird and say fuck it to everything. Fuck friends. Fuck family. Fuck everyone. Fuck the whole goddamned word. Fuck Life.

While I dont drink, I do use a coping mechanism that has proved to be counteractive rather than proactive. I withdraw from social interaction. Last year I was so fed up with life that I only went out with my friends twice during the entire year. The rest of the time I sat alone, burying myself in books and other fictional media, or spending inordinate amounts of time study for my classes in order to distract myself from the life that I hated. I too had decided that my heart was dead. I couldnt love another person again. I didnt want to deal with the pain of losing anyone again. I have been hurt many times in my life by friends and family, and once, particularly badly, by an ex-girlfriend. I thought relationships were a waste of time, and I would have nothing more to do with them. That was when my life took a turn for the bleak. It's hard to imagine that your life can get even worse after you think you have hit rock bottom, but it can. Sometimes I sat there in my cloistered existence doing nothing but pity myself for days on end. I couldnt finish my school work because I didnt care enough to pick it up. Its hard to find motivation when you have already told life to go fuck itself, and sent it on its merry way.

I cant say what it was that made me come back to the world of the living, but after one particularly bad weekend, I decide that I couldnt let myself live like that anymore, and I made a plan about how I was going to change my life for the better. The plan started with a desperately needed shower, and continued from there until today, when I can say that I am no longer depressed. For the first time in five years I would call myself a truly happy person. I continue to work on my life and make sure that it is getting better and that I wont relapse into my previous thought and behavior patterns.

Most importantly, I love again. I love my family and friends, and I love myself. Haha, there is even a young 9-year-old girl named Maya that I have come to love. Something that I have been meaning to post on for my entire time on GC, but have never been able to find the right words. Maybe sometime soon Ill get it out there.

You just need to hang in there and have faith that things will get better, and work toward that goal. You will be surprised how quickly things start turning around. I really care about you and I want you to be alright.

I guess the help I need is a good friend to slap me in the face and entertain me when the call of the bottle become to great. But I am not allowed friends. The people I call *friend* are few and have no idea who I really am. I have done such a great job at hiding myself that nobody knows me.

I am in the same boat as you when it comes to this. None of my friends truly know who I am, but I feel that they know me on a level that is sufficient for the time being. I have faith that I will eventually be able to tell them about my sexual orientation, but until that day, I know that I have to make due. GC is the place where I come to talk about GL issues, and while its not the same as talking to someone face to face, I count a number of posters here among my friends. I dont consider myself as hiding at GC, because I dont really have anything to hide from. I like my life, and GC is just a part of that life. I incorporate it with my life when I have the time. I dont think you should consider it something entirely separate. Everything you participate in comes together into the conglomeration that makes up your life. You shouldnt think of it as your fake life and your real/secret life. They are one life, and hopefully some day they will be merged. Just have faith.

I just want to run away and find a place in this world where I can be accepted. But my girls need me, so I am stuck here. Perhaps with luck I can get through this and move on after they have grown.

First of all, there is no place that you could run away to that would be better than where you are now. Secondly, you can work on this now. Having daughters should not hold you back. You should talk to them about it, they could be an aid in healing, instead of this perceived hindrance.

I am done. I need to drop off for a while, thx for being there and doing your best to help. The last year would have been impossibly difficult without this place.

It seems to me that you are just trying to run away and hide from your problems. As explained with my situation earlier. A withdrawal isnt a solution, it is merely a postponement, and in that period of postponement, things can get dramatically worse. I encourage you to stay here and at least dabble in the conversation. I know that GC is doing you more good than harm, even if it doesnt seem that way at the moment.

Please, for your own sake, just try to stand up and face your problems instead of running from them. That is the only true solution.

There is a lot of stuff in jds post which I disagree with. I think he is making claims without truly knowing what he is talking about. I can see how a lot of the things he says could be true if I didnt know you. Because I do know you, it seems like he is just making a lot of inaccurate assumptions. I know that you love your girls, and I know that you try to do everything you can to make them happy. I will try to respond to his post in full at some later point, but as it is, I have spent entirely too long responding to yours, and I need to get some sleep.

Have a good night Shadow, and have faith that everything will be better someday.

~The Captain~