Coming Out to a Friend pt 2

So there I was, with a .22 rifle barel in my mouth and my thumb on the trigger. How did I get here? There's actually a lot more to the buildup before that day than I let on, but I'll save that for another post, for now I'm just going to continue were I left off in the original post:

http://annabelleigh.net/messages/455465.htm

Well first let me clear up a few questions some board members have had. I need to re-emphasize that the story DID happen. It sounds too crazy to be true, but the thing is I have a flare for the theatric, and I knew I needed to get the seriousness of being a childlover across to someone who I considered my friend.

CatcherintheRye:Personally I would never have come out to someone around booze and guns, haha! :)

I was wondering if you totally thought this up as you went along, or did you plan to out yourself to someone in this fashion beforehand?

The latter. =) I had been planning something like this for a long time and now I had the opportunity. I had to make sure everything was just right; that everything was in place and timed right, where no one could see or hear us and that there would be a gun handy and Steve was not in a position to run away.

Some have mentioned the fact that we were drinking with guns, but actually he was sober and I was drinking. I was quite nervous. BTW I actually invented a ditty with Steve: Guns and liq-uor, guns and liq-uor, go together like a sink and shit-ter! LOL

Catalyst: Steve was using a bow for target practice, I was using his .22. I don't even know what company made it. I managed to get a moment to myself where I ejected all rounds, place one bullet in, but did not chamber it. So it was not live and I knew I would not kill myself accidentally.

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After I told Steve him who I was, as he was still sitting against the tree, the first thing he asked was The only question is, are you going to act on your fantasies?

No. Im a law-abiding citizen and I intend to stay that way. Im sorry I scared you like that but I had to bring you to a place mentally where you understood the gravity of my problem. Jim (my roommate) says that pedophiles dont deserve to live, and you go right along with him! Advocating the same genocide we saw in the holocaust!

Yeah, but Davis, he was talking about rapists. Hes met rapists in his life.

He didnt say rapists, he said pedophiles. Thats what I am.

No dude, your not. Its your actions that determine what you are.

NO, I said. You have been watching too many cop dramas. The APAs definition of a pedophile is someone attracted to prepubescent children.

Dont think youre fucked up, Davis, he said.

I dont think that. Im comfortable with who I am, and Im proud to call myself a pedophile.

Proud? Why?

I snapped back saying Why is a homosexual proud to march in a pride parade?

At this point I still didnt know what was going through his head. Was he enraged? Would he take up my opportunity and grab the gun after all? Thats when he said this

Well, Davis, I can understand where youre coming from, because, well, I have a lot ofhomoerotic fantasies that I tell no one about, and many times theyreyoung. I mean, Ive had fantasies about boys and young girls too. Ive looked at little girls. Just little tiny girls this tall, and Im like, wouldnt it be great if she wanted it! He started laughing.

And your not alone, I said. One out of four males find kids sexually attractive. Imagine! One out of four people you know; one in four of your friends; one in four people watching the news every night. Thats millions of people! They dont have a preference for kids like me, but they think about it enough so they can lead a slightly comfortable life oppressing people like me. He didnt say much, as if he was scanning his memory for all his friends and pals, guessing who might be looking at their own daughters, or nieces in a sexual way.

Pedophiles have been treated more horribly than any other sexual minority. Homosexuals havent been through SHIT! Go back to the 50sa terrible time for gays and lesbians.

Right, he said.

But there were still gay bars. There were still gay get-togethers. They were underground but they existed. People like me have nothing. NOTHING except the internet, and even that is very risky. If someone posted on a message board, saying Im sexually attracted to children. I need someone to talk about it. There are well-funded organizations who will use that post to find your IP address, with that they will devote a whole page to you. Your name, address, email, phone number, photos. Then they call your family and friends telling them youre a potential child-rapist. They call your bosshow does calling your fucking boss and getting you fired help protect children?! It doesnt, because this has nothing to do with protecting children. Its about nothing but pure unfiltered predjudice! I would cut my fucking arm off before I would hurt a child!

Damn Davis, he said. Thats brutal. I cant imagine living like that. I never thought about it this way. Im starting to understand why you drink so much, why youre so suicidal. Sometimes I would see you sitting in the middle of a field just staring into space for hours and it made me kinda sad. Like, whats he holding in. Hes suffering with something and I dont know what it is. Now I know.

Steve went on to talk about child sexuality. I remember experimenting with other boys when I was younger.

Me too! I said, with both boys and girls. I was as young as 5. Sometimes I wish I had more attraction to boys than girls cause it would be easier for me.

I like em all dude, he said smiling. Please dont tell anyone about that.

Steve after what I just confessed, I got nothin on you.

He got up, and we shook hands in a tight grip. Davis, I will never tell anyone what you said. Ever.

It was getting dark and we went inside. He had a lot to think about. Since that discussion he and I have had my light conversations about the subject. He has a great since of humor about it.

He always laughs when I say things like That actress would be sexy if she wasnt so old.

Yeah she might be some old hag to you but shes fine for me! Maybe the movie will have a 7 year old for you.

I sure hope so cause this movie sucks.

One other time we were driving to get a movie. I saw a five year old on the sidewalk. I said to myself, Oh hi sweety. Whats your name? Oh, thats a pretty name. Wanna come into my van with me? Its awful comfey. Steve was laughing his ass off when I said smiling I dont try to sound as creepy as possible, it just comes out that way.

Things like that are small, seemingly unimportant moments, but they give me SO much therapy. It makes me forget everything elseif only for a moment.