HERO IMPERFECT 5

hey, DISSIDENT! just read it! i hardly drop by at GC so i had no idea just how soon you would upload it!

bottomline: loved it! but i'll elaborate with critiqueing ok?

point#1 please add witty/humorous banter between ULTRA GIRL and SOLAR MAN. why? its important! during the first half of chapter 5, there was alot of heavy serious talk between them about their situation. as a fellow amatuer writer, i feel its very important to break up some of that seriousness with occasional banter. like: "your a pervy old man, Simon.." Solar man feels a little hot under the coler as waves of scarlet embaressment flush his cheeks. but then the ever fun and witty girlfriend of his lets him off the hook by completing her thoughts before he felt too guilt, "but you're MY pervy old man! giggle!". see? banter! ever seen a movie called MY FATHER THE HERO? its about a 14 year old whom is taken on vacation to an island resort. but to impress an older boy(17), and to make him jealos, she tells him that the man he saw her with is NOT her father but rather her lover. soon this gets out around the island resort. wacky and zany antics insue as poor ol' dad has to deal with her daughters lie. its a GREAT movie for a heb! and it might inspire you on this front. please consider it. i noticed that in the the first few paragraphs, its established that they are decieving others by claiming to be father and daughter. i would have enjoyed reading the conversations of embaressment as they went around doing that lol. please dont misunderstand bout the serios talk. it was good! no reason to dilute it or anything. im just saying, add some comedic flavor to it all. when its appropriate ofcourse. it worls for the SPIDER-MAN book,doesnt it? and im not saying to turn HERO IMPERFECT into a comedy. hells no! just sayin' that if reflected on by the two lovebirds, there quirks and situation has a bit of a dark comedy to it(like Nabokov's Lolita). she's far more bubbly then Simon, so maybe she should be the one ribbing/teasing him ON SENSITIVE STUFF JUST TO GET HIM TO...caps were on..sigh. to get him to relax and tease back. see?

point#2 "Simon squeezed Alexa's bare shoulder gently, showing a surprising degree of gentleness for someone of such considerable superhuman strength, her skin feeling warm and smooth under his hand"

Simon may have concerns about hurting ULTRA GIRL during coitus. i would think a super strong being may have that concern; of losing control at a frenzied moment. maybe its something that should cross his mind...and it would reflect a pedos fear of being too big for a small girl and may hurt her in that pasionate love giving moment. ofcourse it may not have merit...but this is all new to SOLAR DUDE...so it may FEEL like a legitimate concern. at least for now. just my opinion.

point#3 i like the debate SCARLET EAGLE and EAGLE HAWK had about youth rights. i think it may be important to show the other sides viewpoint. that was very smart of you, DISSIDENT! =)

point#4 "Of course notfirst and foremost, you're always the hero. I may strive to be a hero too, but I think I'm a bit more likely to turn on a society that ever tried to brainwash me for my own good."

hmm...why do i get the feeling i know where you might go with this...or maybe thats too crazy a thought...

i may post more thoughts tomorrow. time is up on my appointment.