Relationships and Pain (a rant)

To all my friends and comrades on GC: I decided to make this post as a sort of catharsis for my recent depression over personal problems (the loss of yet another woman that I loved from my life *sigh*) and to hopefully get those of us in the GL community to appreciate any legal relationship they may have found that have brought you emotional fulfillment. Some of us on this board are exclusive peds, and as such are "celibate" in this society. Many of you nevertheless enjoy wonderful, emotionally fulfilling friendships and professional relationships with children in your AoA, and you find purpose and fulfillment in your life by making these kids happy and fulfilled themselves, and from receiving respect by a certain adult (you) that they rarely achieve from other adults. If this is the case, then I am extremely happy for you. Though you are unable to form actual romantic relationships with the kids in this society, you may actually be lucky from my vantage point: much less potential heartache, and not having to worry about whether or not you are particularly attractive to the people that you love the most because a true romantic relationship is out of the question. Exclusive peds often complain that they can't form the type of relationships they want, and this is understandable, but I think at least sometimes (at least the way I feel right now) that you guys may actually be spared something that can be very painful to endure (not that I would ever agree that the current laws are a GOOD thing for that reason; I fully support freedom of choice for both adults and kids). Some of us on this board, however, are non-exclusive peds and hebephiles, both of whom are capable of starting relationships with women (and/or men) of legal age, even if many of us still piss off society's sensibilities by choosing women who are just one or a few years above the AoC, or otherwise much younger than we are. I know that some of you in this community have fulfilling relationships with young women of legal age, and these women often love you, stick by you, and attempt to fulfill your needs despite the fact that you have a preference for prepubescents or adolescents beneath the AoC. To all of you have found such a wonderful and amazing woman of legal age, especially one who has stuck by you for a long period of time, consider this the greatest treasure you could ever ask for in THIS particular society, where we have no choice but to accept "second" best. To those of you who are naturally attractive to young women, or those of you who have found someone early in your life, then rejoice in your good luck. That is NOT the case for all of us. Now, I often ask myself if I am a good match for a younger woman of legal age. I have my bad points, to be sure: I am not rich, I have health problems that limit what I can and cannot do (though I can still have sex with no problem), and I am quite immature for my age (which is the case for many, though far from all, hebephiles). Nevertheless, I love the type of world that younger women live in, I love how everything they do is an adventure, I love their randomness, I love their enjoyment of life and "party animal" quality, and I love their beautiful figures and forms, as many women aged 18-early 20's retain a good degree of teen qualities. I have even accepted going out with women in their later 20's and early 30's when I have been lonely and unable to find any younger women, as there are few gerontophiles of legal age where I live, and those few are always quickly taken (as you might imagine; guys know a true gem when they find one). Now, I have other bad qualities: I have a temper (though I don't lose it easily and I have NEVER and would NEVER hit a woman except in self-defense), a strong need for attention, and a strong need for love, though I think the latter two things a woman who truly cares about you should be happy to give you. Yet...I have most often been without these things, and when I do find them (or seem to find them) I soon find out that I was just being used or the feelings of love were very fleeting and temporary (this from older as well as younger women, so those antis who will try to tell me that it's only younger women who do this to older men are totally wrong). Am I a bad person, as the antis would suggest? Let me tell you this. My second to last relationship, I was with a really cool woman in her late 20's. I traveled by plane to see her, since she lived across the country. She suffered from medical problems like my own, so we both understood each others' special needs and often consoled each other when our health problems gave us difficulty. She was a writer like me, so we often exchanged and shared each others' writing and gave each other feedback, and she loved many of the same authors that I do. She was very caring and very attentive to me, and we shared a wonderful ten months together. I was on the phone with her often for hours on end to help her through her various difficulties, including when her health problems were particularly nightmarish. I donated some money (which was a lot for me) to a special bank account to take care of the various pets that she had and adored, including a dog that was very dear to her heart that needed insulin injections. Best of all, she fully accepted my GL. Despite my many imperfections in character and tempermentI was ALWAYS there for her, and I feel that I have NOTHING to regret in terms of being a good boyfriend to a special woman. Yet, despite how much I was there for her, despite how many times she told me that she loved me, etc., that didn't stop her from abruptly losing all romantic interest in me when an ex-boyfriend unexpectedly re-entered her life. It was over between us after ONE phone conversation between the her and this ex-boyfriend. Considering how easily this woman left me, I was forced to wonder whether she ever actually loved me at all, or if I was just a fill-in for this other guy, or perhaps even her rebound guy. I didn't take it well, though I did my best to move on, and thanks to the many things I have going on in my life, including my activism and writing, I did successfully get over it. But I never forgot, nor did I ignore the fact that this seemed to be a pattern in my life. Here I was in my late 30's, just now finding someone who seemed to be the true love of my life, and I had to find out, once again, that is was a false alarm and the gods weren't going to allow me to keep this woman in my life. This was four years ago. The above was NOT an isolated incident in my life. Flash forward to the past few weeks. Once again I found someone who I fell in love with, and who swore she was in love with me. Despite some very difficult beginnings (how we got to together was quite a story, and I have already shared this with a few of you), she stuck with me and impressed me with the fact that maybe she truly did care for me deeply. Just a few days ago, she expressed concern that I have so many female friends and even said she would smash any woman who tried to take me from her. The degree of attention I got from her prior to a week and a half ago was wonderful. I expressed some concern over the fact that she seemed to give me less and less attention over the past week, but she would still contact me online and ask me to call her. We didn't have a lot in common, but hell she was much younger than me, and of legal age, and I felt that I was extremely lucky to have such a treasure in my life being the age that I am. Were the gods finally going to be merciful to me? Were they finally going to allow me to find and keep something that so many people across the breadth of literature valued so much that they challenged the gods themselves to acquire? Well, just two days after assuring me that she doesn't lose interest in guys she falls in love with (I did express my concerns about this, which is why I didn't inform my family of her) and she would smash any woman who tried to take me from her...she suddenly vanished from my life. Just like that. Since it was long distance, I figure she found someone closer to her to satisfy her sexual needs. She no longer contacted me either online or by phone. The last time I called her, we talked for a bit but she had a guest at her house and was playing video games, she said she would call me as soon as she was done, and...she didn't, and that was the last I heard from her. Considering my track record, it wasn't unexpected. Which made me think of making this post, not to acquire sympathy from you guys, but to make you all aware of how valuable the ability to attract and acquire love, especially for those of our predilections, is in this lifetime. If you are a non-exclusive ped or a hebephile and are readily able to attract love into your life, then cherish it and treat the woman like gold, because there are some in this world who cannot acquire such a valuable thing in their lives. I'm not saying to overdo it or become a doormat to this woman, but if she sticks by you, shows you genuine love, and (perhaps most of all) accepts you for your attraction base because it's a part of you and she loves all aspects of you, then consider yourself one of the luckiest people alive. Love is NOT something that everyone can achieve in this lifetime. We are always told that there is someone for everyone, blah blah blah, but...my personal situation, with a long history of women that simply lose interest all of a sudden and without warning and who use me for whatever they can get and then dump me abruptly when something more to their interest comes along, makes me seriously doubt that old adage. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I realize that I have a strong purpose in this world, and I am not going to let this keep me down for long. Within a few days, I will become used to the fact that I am no longer receiving love and attention from this terrific young woman, and I will be back to my old self again. But as I approach middle age, I can't help but wonder what my prospects are for finding a special young woman who may be attracted to me and who may love me for who I am despite my negative qualities (and I have seen women love and stick by abusive drug addicts and all sorts of horrid characters, and I refuse to believe that I am LESS of a person than these idiots are). Then again, I don't have the luck or attractiveness that Charlie Chaplain had (who married a young woman barely above the AoC when he was past middle age, a marriage that was SUCCESSFUL and lasted until his passing). We can't all be so lucky, and we can't all have the favor of the Fates when it comes to something like this. Some of us seem required to be alone in order to achieve whatever purpose they are here to achieve in their lives, and if you happen to be one of those fortunate enough to be able to find love and if the Fates feel that finding this love, despite the difficulties of doing so when you are an MAA living in THIS society and time period, does NOT interfere with your overall purpose...then rejoice and thank whatever higher power you pray to (if any) for sparing you the type of life pattern that I have always endured. Btw, I'm sure my talk of higher powers and the Fates will agitate the many atheists on this board, and if so, I encourage you to simply ignore those particlar statements of mine; I am a very spiritual person who believes in these higher forces that influence people's lives and I am not going to change or refuse to mention these beliefs because they may offend the non-believers here. I thank you ahead of time if you are able to overlook these particular statements of mine, assuming they bother you. I'm sorry that I haven't been myself for the past few days, but give me another few days to deal with this latest blow to my heart (I SHOULD be used to this by now and I SHOULD know better than to trust any woman with my heart no matter how much she claims she loves me) and I should be back to my old self, responding to e-mail, and doing my best to offer support and improvement for this community of mine within a short time. Thank you for enduring this rant and I'm sorry if I came off as if I'm feeling sorry for myself.