OK, But...

01) Being a pedophile is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Pedophilic marriage will encourage people to be pedophiles, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing pedophilic marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their cars because a Chevy has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if pedophilic marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Pedophilic couples, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet.

07) Obviously pedophilic parents will raise pedophile children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Pedophilic marriage is not supported by my religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without two adult role models at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Pedophilic marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

The ones in bold above don't really translate from the original, because:

1. You have to be 18 or an emancipated minor in order to sign a legal contract on your own

2. Heterosexual inter-generational marriages could certainly produce children as long as the child has had her period or his wet dream already.

3. No major religion actually forbids child marriages. Child marriages used to occur frequently amongst Christian and Jewish societies, and Muslims in fact still practice child marriage in more traditional areas. The movement to abolish the practice of child marriage was and is a secular one.