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The worst day I've ever had yet...

Posted by rocinante on 2010-September-03 00:01:44 EDT, Friday
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I feel I need to get this out… I feel I’ve lost a big part of who I am this week. My ongoing 2 year relationship with the girl that was special made be first realize I was attracted to her, has resolved itself in a manner that I’d always feared.

It was but a few days since we were put into the situation where she began asking me if I loved her, and I began telling her honestly. To my pleasant surprise, and temporary euphoria, she admitted openly that she loved me too. For a couple of days we considered ourselves ‘together’. I had my problems with it, because her parents had just informed her of their hatred and distrust of me. That is how it all happened anyway. She had to ask me of my actual intentions because of what her parents were saying to her.

I’ve come to think of her so highly. Outside of family, I was in love with her more than any other love I’d ever experienced. We agree we will probably still always love each other, but I’m at a spot now where I don’t know where I’m going. She has become such an integral part of who I am, and how I identify. I’ve known her, and been in love with her, longer than I have even known of my minor-attraction. I thought for months now, that if I was just able to tell her how I feel, and that we could share that together, that I would finally be happy. Amazingly, she actually was in love with me for the past 6 months. She admits this crush. So I was not delusional in thinking she liked me, I was right. But I was wrong that it would make me feel better.

For so long, I have exerted so much emotions into being with her. She has been the highlight of my week every time I see her, and we get to talk. I wouldn’t want to trade that time that I have had with her for anything in the world! And yet I’ve gone on like this, just thinking that I would find happiness someday with her. Once now, having actually share our mutual feelings with each other, and confirming that we were both in love with each other, and trying to be bf/gf; still it came to the point just days later, that we were having the conversation about if we should be together. When it was agreed we shouldn’t, we both felt a sense of relive, and I know it is best for her, and for me, but it is the opposite of what I wanted and for years I have fought will all my might to make it so that this day would never come, and now that it has I feel totally destroyed and hopeless.

I don’t know how I am going to recollect myself. I lost an integral part of who I am. Without her, I feel I have lost a part of myself and the identity I have, and the life I lived where she was so important to me is no more. I’m lost now in this universe without her guidance, and without her charm in my life. And I’m lost for hope that I will ever with her, because it has been confirmed otherwise. I don’t see how I will ever have a relationship with a young girl, and apparently I should stop trying, but I don’t feel anything is worth living without her, or someone like her, in my life. She helped create the image I have today of myself that I am proud of. She is the reason I put up with so much crap from society and from individuals in my life. She is why I have suffered so much in the last couple of years. I’ve put up with it all because I have been so in love with her and now I’m totally lost.

I don’t know from where my motivation will come to move on from her.

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