'Between Consenting Adults'

"Between Consenting Adults" - Does Sex Begin at 18?

Chances are pretty good you've heard the phrase "between consenting adults" at some time - especially if you've had any involvement in one of the many communities dedicated to alternative sexual lifestyles. The modern "enlightened" approach towards alternative sexual practices is that anything is kosher so long as it is conducted between consenting adults. You might think it's gross, you might think it's entirely unerotic, you might even think it's immoral, but as long as the ones doing it are adults who want to do it, then that's their business and theirs alone. This is actually a very admirable approach that respects sexual diversity and the basic freedom and right of a person to sexual fulfillment. Except for one thing. It's good that emphasis is placed on consent, but in excluding anyone who isn't an "adult", we are in fact putting ourselves in a position to violate the sexual consent of many who are not classed as "adults".

What does "consenting adults" actually mean? I think that when most people say "consenting adults", they are emphasizing the fact that children aren't included - ostensibly because they can't consent. But if that's true, then why not just say "consenting persons", and if somebody asks if children are included, you can say, "no, children are incapable of consent, so they are not included." By saying "consenting adults", you are subtly implying that there is such a thing as consenting non-adults, which you are purposefully excluding by indicating that the only consenting persons included are those that are also adults. This is an almost subconscious admission that children can consent, they are simply not allowed to.

Why, then, is it important that persons engaging in sexual activity be both consenting and adults? First, let's tackle the crucial issue of consent. It is true that a person can enjoy something they do not consent to. Have you never tried something that you thought was going to be unpleasant, but turned out to be rather enjoyable? But the issue that matters isn't whether a person will enjoy something, but whether they agree to participate in it. Though the possibility exists, we simply cannot know if a person will like something before they try it, and we don't force people to try things against their will because it's simply not ethical. And in fact, a person may come to hate an activity precisely because they've been forced to engage in it when, if given the opportunity to freely choose to engage in it, they may have ended up liking it. It's about respecting the choices of others.

So how come we don't respect the choices of children when it comes to sex? If we really did respect their choices, and simply believed that children are uninterested in sex, then we could just let them all, each in their own way, tell us how they have no interest in and desire for sex. But the fact is, some kids do possess a natural curiosity about sex. But we feel we have to protect them from this curiosity, as well as from adults who allegedly want to hurt them (not violently, but sexually, as if sex were a form of harm), by punishing their curiosity and taking their choice away from them and forcing them to remain sexually pure and innocent/ignorant.

Let's get the idea of alternative sexual practices out of our head. Undoubtedly, there is a continuum of sexual variation, and as a person grows and develops and adds new experiences under their belt, horizons expand and new opportunities present themselves. But everybody's got to start somewhere, and the best time to start is when they, individually, are ready. That's the function that curiosity serves. In our passionate embrace of the concept of sex as a wholly adult experience, we are robbing minors of the opportunity to discover and experience sex, and to grow into their sexual selves. Before we restrict sexual activity to only those over the age of 18 (or any arbitrary age) we have to ask - and convincingly answer - some important questions, like why, and what are the benefits as well as the drawbacks of this action?

Biologically, a living organism is prepared for sexual activity once it reaches sexual maturity. Most kids hit puberty long before the age of 18, and this is the time for them to start exploring, not the time to start studying a four-year (or longer) cultural course on how immoral and psychologically damaging sexual activity can be before finally plunging in at the (over-)ripe age of 18 (talk about moral indoctrination - have you seen abstinence-only sex ed?). But even before puberty, various forms of sexual play and self-discovery are perfectly natural, and it is in fact unnatural (and potentially devastating to the natural growth of one's sexual identity) to intercept and interfere with that curiosity.

In the end, what we have is a more nuanced concept of sexuality not simply as the lustful aggression between mature adults, but as a way to understand our position, role, and purpose in life, from birth to death. In approaching sex, we approach life, and it becomes an issue that we carry with us from cradle to grave. It is not like other arbitrary vices, like drinking and smoking, in that it is a strong fundamental drive that affects our personhood and experiences in a profound and unavoidable manner. And there is no reason why we should restrict that sort of knowledge and experience to legal adults.