Ranting

Ranting.

This is probably much more in my head then it is in real life but lately I have been feeling like there is a tug-of-war in my head.

I just feel that it's unfair that I have to deal with this stuff. I'm just trying to live my life, you know. And yes yes I know everyone in the world wishes there was something they didn't have to deal with, and they didn't have to focus on, and their lives aren't fair either, I get that. But why me and why THIS. The last thing I would ever want is for everyone to consider me a horrible person based on loving little girls.

I tell myself I haven't done anything wrong and I won't do anything wrong so really no harm no foil right? I'm right and morally just so nothing for me to worry about. And then other times I'm not 100%. I mean I would never ever force someone into a situation they didn't want, what I mean is if the situation ever arose where I would be in a position to do something with a girl I'm not totally certain I wouldn't do something. Sometimes I would say of course not I would never do that, and other times I don't know. I want it. I love girls so much. The fact that I would even think about it makes me the lowest bit of scum.

I don't even know what's morally or ethically right. People on here talk about children and adolescents being mature and able to make sound decisions and that in the right situation they wouldn't be scarred for life. So if the situation arose what would keep someone from doing what they did think was morally or ethically acceptable? Laws, obviously. I just mean where are the lines drawn? All it takes is to do one thing and you go from being a friendly girl-loving person to someone who's considered a child molester even if you did genuinly love and care for the child.

Someone could mentally or physically abuse a child in extreme manners and get a slap on the wrist but if you were to touch a child once through their clothes your condemed as the worst peice of scum ever. I'm not saying whether you should be able to touch them or not just that the consequences are blown into crazy proportions. And I shouldn't have to deal with this. I shouldn't have to think about.

It's not fair and I hate it.

Oh and this will make me sound even scummier but I'd be terrified of having a daughter, because I'm attracted to pretty much any young girl. I would never do anything, but I'm like 90% certain I would be attracted to them. A lot of the time I can just push it out of my head and not think about it but out of the blue it will hit me.

Like I take gymnastics and I had to do some sort of drill with this girl, planks, where you lie down and lift your body with your arms, it's a horrible excercise, anyways, this other girl who was like 11 or 12 and was doing it with me and we were on opposite ends of each other and I just remember looking over and seeing her bare legs and they were this almond colour with light hairs, like she'd never shaved her legs before, and I was hit by how attractive she was. It was like one minute I was one person and the next minute I'm somebody else, and I'm trying not to stare at her legs or check out the rest of her. Like I've got this one aspect of my life that keeps seeping into my real life. And I used to be so comfortable with it too, and now I'm a bag of nerves about the whole thing. I keep getting into arguments with myself about it.

I'm so tired of thinking about it or wondering what the answers are. I'm not even attracted to women really, I've never kissed a women. I can admire their beauty but theres no attraction. I'm not really that into men either. I'm like total scum. Or at least that's how I'm sure most in society would see me.

All my points are scattered I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get across. I've been slowly dragging myself into this dark hole that started as just a sliver of doubt and now it's consuming my mind all the time. I'm so tired of having to pretend and hide and think about it. And I can't ever have what I really want. I'll probably date someone very nice and get married and just live my life, secretly lusting towards little girls that I can't ever ever have.

Not sure what I'm trying to say with this... just ranting I guess.