Re: Question: How many here were genuinely abused?

So, the common Western cultural narrative as to the "cause" of an adult developing a preference for minors does not apply to me.

This isn't the reason I'm asking. I will explain why after the poll is completed.

Though I sympathize greatly with all abuse victims (and this includes victims of all types of abuse, since I endured severe non-sexual forms of abuse), I only have respect for those who make a genuine effort to heal, and who seek understanding over emotionalistic responses like hatred.

Dissident, this is an important point: despite an attempt to heal and put in perspective, not everyone is able to do that, for an assortmant of reasons. You're correct in identifying most of them as cultural, but you have to understand that the culture has gravity, and in terms of that this issue is like a black hole--it is almost impossible to escape it's influence. I don't think you can fully appreciate this unless you've been there.

For myself I realized as I was approaching graduation from college (around age 30) that I was so glaringly abnormal to most people and I wanted to be normal, to be able to have a relationship with a woman and live a relatively normal life. So I tried to force myself to "grow up" (as I understood it then) by doing what my peers were doing. This amounted to smoking lots of pot, drinking, going out with friends and trying to date. But the more I followed that path the more I realized it wasn't going to work. A kind of panic set in, but I was already so far immersed in it that I couldn't get out of it at the time and it fucked my head up in a big way. I had severe anxiety and depression, which I never entirely recovered from.

I don't know how to explain it except to say that my brain changed and it scared the hell out of me. It was like I was in a war zone for several years, and after it was all over PTSD set in, and I still get panic attacks on occasion and start having . . . dark thoughts. Suicidal thoughts, thoughts about doing myself physical harm. I would like nothing more than to get past all that, but it's like I'm trapped in that mindset. I don't understand it. I've done everything I could to try to get out of it but no one seems to get it or to be able to help. None of that would've happened if I hadn't become an MAP, and yes, in my case I'm certain it began with my molestation. If you could step into my head for just five minutes . . . well, you'd get a taste of the hell I live with. I can't put it any more bluntly than that. To some extent I brought it on myself and that I beat myself up over endlessly, how I could've been so stupid as to think I could just immerse myself in that culture and it would all be okay. I should've known better, but when you want something that badly you tend to be blinded to such things. So I wound up trying to force it back the other way again, and it just tore my mind to shreds. I was never equipped to handle that; my emotions have always been fragile. Get it?