Dissident, this is an important point: despite an attempt to heal and put in perspective, not everyone is able to do that, for an assortmant of reasons.

Granted, but does this then somehow justify their subsequent behavior? It's my personal opinion that healing and finding this perspective is a responsibility, just as it's the responsibility of others not to abuse others.

You're correct in identifying most of them as cultural, but you have to understand that the culture has gravity, and in terms of that this issue is like a black hole--it is almost impossible to escape it's influence. I don't think you can fully appreciate this unless you've been there.

I can appreciate it, because I have suffered from other types of abuse, including the type of abuse that caused those kids in Columbine to open fire on the people who had bullied them. Though I understand and sympathize with their pain, I do not condone their actions, nor do I condone the actions of myself when I used to lash out at others because of my pain. More than anything else, I realize it's my responsibility to focus my pain in positive directions, not in a direction that will cause me to be, in my own way, no better than those people who inflicted so much pain on me.

For myself I realized as I was approaching graduation from college (around age 30) that I was so glaringly abnormal to most people and I wanted to be normal, to be able to have a relationship with a woman and live a relatively normal life. So I tried to force myself to "grow up" (as I understood it then) by doing what my peers were doing. This amounted to smoking lots of pot, drinking, going out with friends and trying to date. But the more I followed that path the more I realized it wasn't going to work. A kind of panic set in, but I was already so far immersed in it that I couldn't get out of it at the time and it fucked my head up in a big way. I had severe anxiety and depression, which I never entirely recovered from.

I've been there, pal, albeit in other ways. When I was going into the 5th grade, I was so badly traumatized by the bullying I received from peers and teachers alike for being "different" that I convinced my parents to transfer me to another school for 5th grade. Taking some advice from them, I resolved to not let this happen again by striving not to be "different" anymore, because I was convinced I was a horrible person who deserved no friends for that reason. Upon arriving at the new school, I strove very hard to pretend to be less interested in writing and more interested in sports, less interested in fantastic fiction and more interested in cars, and to really be into the Catholic religion that I had no real interest in the past...only to find out that I failed miserably in pretending to "normal" (i.e., typical, common), the abuse started again worse than ever, I lost what little respect for myself I might have had, and I suffered my first suicide attempt at age 12. After this, I transferred to a new school to finish middle school and attend high school, and once again I resolved to be like the other kids as much as possible to try and avoid the same situation. As you can imagine, I failed, and the abuse continued, and my second suicide attempt occurred when I was in 10th grade. I made the same resolution after graduating high school and entering college, and things became worse than ever, and I became suicidal again. I emerged from that as a bitter, angry individual who believed humanity was worth less than the flotsam floating in the sewer, and that I had every right to hate and lash out as I pleased, because no one seemed to understand my pain. I took that pain as license to lash out, and as one may imagine, my life became a nightmare of self-fulfilling prophecies. I give a vast amount of credit to the friends I had who continued to believe in me and tolerate my presence during those many, many trying years.

I wasted too many years of my life filled with self-hatred, self-doubt, and reflected hatred upon the human race. I was filled with hopelessness and a desire to die and take some of the world with me when I did. Then, I finally reached a point where I got sick of feeling that way, and I worked hard to heal myself and reach an understanding with the world. It was a long and difficult road, but I was determined. Though I may never be totally "right" on the inside because of those scars, I proved that my individuality was a blessing, not a curse, I proved to myself it was possible to heal if one is determined to do so, and I realized I had no right to act like a jerk and to lose all faith in both myself and humanity, because if I could reach this understanding, so could the rest of humanity. I wasn't totally unique in either a good way or a bad way, and this was an important apotheosis for me to reach. I could have killed myself, or did what those kids at Columbine did, or lash out at others in non-lethal but nevertheless hugely destructive and self-destructive ways. But I eventually felt that not only did I deserve better than that, not only did I have potential despite what others believed or they caused me to believe, but I also realized that the world deserved better than that. So I ended up embracing my differences as a natural part of me, gained a strong respect for diversity, and focused my remaining aggressions into working to change the world into a better place, where humanity could reach its full collective potential without the type of status quo we have today, which acts as an albatross to so many of us, and caused the type of pain that both you and I have suffered.

I am not smarter than you, I am not stronger than you, and I am not "better" than you in any way. I have just simply reached a degree of realization of myself and the world that you have not yet reached. But if I could do it, so can you. I will never agree that you, or me, or anyone else, has the right to act like a jerk because of past pain, or that it's futile to attempt to heal for the sake of both yourself and others who care about you. It may not be easily (I would never tell you different!), but it's very possible.

I don't know how to explain it except to say that my brain changed and it scared the hell out of me. It was like I was in a war zone for several years, and after it was all over PTSD set in, and I still get panic attacks on occasion and start having . . . dark thoughts. Suicidal thoughts, thoughts about doing myself physical harm. I would like nothing more than to get past all that, but it's like I'm trapped in that mindset. I don't understand it.

I totally understand it, because I've been there, done that, and wore the t-shirt, mate. I will never stop sympathizing with you, nor offering you support. I simply will never grant you license to lash out at those who care, or wallow in those dark thoughts to the detriment of both yourself and those around you. I've been down that dark path, it scared the hell out of me, and I will do everything I can to get you and others off that road. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down with both yourself, and with others. I don't support the concept of "tough love" as a matter of course, but there are specific times when it's necessary.

None of that would've happened if I hadn't become an MAP, and yes, in my case I'm certain it began with my molestation. If you could step into my head for just five minutes . . . well, you'd get a taste of the hell I live with.

I lived in that hell you describe long before I realized I was a MAP/MAA (since I wasn't fully aware of my hebephilia until my mid-20s, which is often different for pedophiles), and it required no molestation for me to end up in that particular hell. What you suffered was terrible, but you have to realize that it's not a worse type of thing the many other types of abuse young people can endure from a diverse array of assholes of all ages out there. The type of abuse I suffered from both peers and many adult assholes left me in the same state you are in. I cannot step into your head, but I am betting the state I was in for so many years was no better than your state right now. Molestation is just one of many types of things that can trigger this, but it doesn't change the need and responsibility to heal, nor does it justify lashing out at or blaming any one group of people, or even your own preferences. Trust me, I have known many people, including myself, who didn't need molestation as an excuse to lash out at both others and themselves, and ask for special understanding and license to do so. You may think I am overly hard on you sometimes, and maybe I am, but it's not because I don't understand; rather, it's because I have been there, and I do understand all too well how much I hurt others and myself when I was there.

To some extent I brought it on myself and that I beat myself up over endlessly, how I could've been so stupid as to think I could just immerse myself in that culture and it would all be okay. I should've known better, but when you want something that badly you tend to be blinded to such things. So I wound up trying to force it back the other way again, and it just tore my mind to shreds. I was never equipped to handle that; my emotions have always been fragile. Get it?

In order to be helped, one has to want to be helped. That is one of the things I eventually learned. I know from bad personal experience that one can become so comfy wallowing in pain, regret, guilt, self-hatred, self-doubt, and hatred of the rest of the world that they do not want help, they simply want to lash out at themselves and others because of the pain, and this includes those who actually care and offer support. The thing is, I am not going to give up on you, because I have seen the potential that you have, I know how intelligent you are, and I know that if I can rise above this, then so can you. If you never rise above this, it won't be because others have no faith in you, or do not want to help. I may be hard on you when I feel you act like a jerk, but never have I lost faith in you, and never was I harder on you than I was--and still am--on myself.