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Re: Question: How many here were genuinely abused?

Posted by Markaba on 2011-December-12 07:03:10 EST, Monday
In reply to Question: How many here were genuinely abused? posted by Markaba on 2011-December-11 04:15:08 EST, Sunday
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Alright, I got as many answers as I think I'm going to get. Here's why I asked. When I first arrived, or not very long after, there were several MAPs on the GL side who had chosen to out themselves. These include Lindsay, Remo, albertRoss and myself. We're all completely different people, but what linked us was that we'd all had at least one negative sexual experience as children. And note that all of them are gone now but me, and I am myself fundamentally unhappy with my condition and/or circumstances. Other posters who were abused that I know of were Cirkus and Luka. Cirkus is now gone and Luka hardly ever posts any more. Essentially, out of all of the original posters who had negative sexual experiences as kids, I am the only one left. Think about that for a minute. Why do you suppose that is?

Lindsay ostensibly grew frustrated with the whole scene, but I believe there was more to it than that. Remo had legal issues that basically forced him out of this community. aR was pretty much homeless and had some mental issues. Luka . . . if you're out there, I'd like to hear what drove you away, but I know you struggled with some stuff too. Cirkus had emotional problems. And you know my issues. And yet all of these people were activists to varying degrees for MAP rights at one time or other. Do you think (Dissident) that all of these people just refused to heal? I think you--and many here--have trouble fully appreciating the difficulties some of us have with reconciling these events from our childhood with our sexuality. Those of you who did not develop your sexuality in the wake of childhood sexual abuse have developed blinders, or rose-colored glasses, with regard to the deep-seated effects of this. Do you not understand that, if something like sexuality can hardwire so deeply in us at childhood, that the negative effects of those events cannot also become intricately intertwined with our personalities?

The point is, it doesn't really matter where the negative effects come from in terms of their impact. This stuff develops over years, and once you're an adult it's pretty much set in stone. I cannot get past the anger I feel for betrayal that put me ultimately in the place I am (at every level.) I can't explain it better than that. The whole reason I came here (and why I remain) is because I want to be at peace with myself, to understand myself and be able to talk to people like me. But what I get here is 90% politics, most of which I don't agree with. That makes this place feel hostile to someone who just wants to find a safe haven and a place to be a girl lover without all the other BS that comes with being a member here. But it's not like I have a lot of other options.

Well, I recently joined VoA, which I think will be my permanent home soon. It seems a lot more friendly, and it's focused less on politics and more on cultural aspects of being an MAP, which is the only way we're ever going to impact anything in our lifetimes. That's where we should be focused. All the fringe politics and everything else that comes with GC and BC makes me nervous and edgy. I find some of the things said here bordering on disturbing, especially given my history and issues, and I think a lot of the people with similar experiences to me--even those who identify as MAPs--have been turned off by what they read here. If I wandered onto this forum today, I would never join it. It just screams desperation, fringe mentality, etc.

Markaba

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