Pedophile arrested at White House

Dateline Washington:
Secret Service agents reported the capture and arrest today of a middle-aged intruder
in the Lincoln Room of the White House. The suspect, tentatively identified as a Caucasian
male of approximately 60 years of age, was taken to a District of Columbia police sub-station
for arraignment and booking.

He is listed in police records as S. Claus, a foreign national of indeterminate origin. Claus was
wearing a red costume, in the color of the international Communist movement.
The suspect is currently being held in the Intensive Care Unit of Bethesda Naval Hospital in
Maryland, in an oxygen tent. Claus is being treated for multiple bruises and lacerations, along
with a broken arm, a brain concussion, and multiple contusions. The arresting officers claim that
minimal force was used to subdue the suspect, but say that he slipped and fell on the ice while
entering the police car.

Claus had eight tiny reindeer with him, pulling a sleigh; animal rights activists are investigating
the possibility of bringing animal abuse charges against him. A spot check of major zoos around
the country is currently being conducted on the assumption that the reindeer had been stolen.

The Federal Aviation Authority is filing charges against him; Claus allegedly entered American air
space without filing a flight plan. Immigration and Naturalization officials have already begun
deportation proceedings, since entry into the country was unauthorized.

Claus had in his possession a large sack, filled with toys which could be used to entice children.
He claimed that they were to be given away; if so, he'll face District of Columbia charges for
Operating an Unlicensed Charity.
Police found motorcycle helmets and baseball bats in the sack, among other items; these can be
used to resist the lawful authority of appointed officials, as was proved in the Watts riots some
years back.

Claus had with him a list of boys and girls from around the world, which the police consider to be
strong evidence of pedophilia tendencies. The list was divided into two parts: those who were
"naughty" and those who were "nice"; obviously a reference to the children whom he expected
to provide him with sexual favors.

Claus also referred to the President's daughter as a "Ho", not once but three times, as in "Ho, ho, ho!"

In an interview with a Channel 5 news reporter, Claus put his finger aside of his nose, in what
was obviously intended to be an obscene gesture, and sarcastically declared "Merry Christmas
to All, and to All, a Good Night!'