I'm fine now

zlurker i never mentioned the reason for my recent ban
because i am unclear on the reason
if you read along today you'll see i said i have concluded it was not evasion

if you followed along from the beginning
i said there could be a number of reasons, dissident may have information for me to shed some light on things

i have replied to your post because it is important to me
you are someone i will disclose any information you ask of me
you and i both know speaking openly in public serves no purpose to anyone at this point.

i will hold my ground and obey the rules and i refuse to engage my unsympathetic peers.
i am still receptive to private conversation with anybody who may be concerned for my well being.

i believe in making peace, sharing joy and kindness, helping out your fellow man, lending a sympathetic ear to the desperate and downtrodden.
I will not be bullied into inappropriate reactions. not tonight and not ever.

i'm feeling better now after the realization that i have no shoulder to cry on. i'll stand my ground just fine without any assistance from anyone.

if your question is rhetorical, meaning you already know the answer and you are trying to make a point, honestly i'm not sure i follow you.
it has been a long tumultuous journey, and my original ban was of little consequence to the larger issue which i believe was the 3rd ban.
you are confusing me like the others but i respond only to show you i would enjoy conversing with you. independent of your personal feelings or view of me, my love for you goes without conditions because personally i hold your position in high regard and feel nothing but respect for you zlurker. nothing will ever change that.
i am very confused right now but one thing i do know for sure is there are people around here who care about me. i feel them. they are responsible for keeping me calm and peaceful. they protect me from the hurtful things being said. i will gracefully decline from activity until all the smoke has cleared. but regarding the other matter is of prior importance, if it be that i have offended anyone in such a way that i still have means to repair. i have reason to believe that is the case. like i said i wish to converse with dissident once again to offer his insight.
honestly, this all feels like some sort of test to me.
an ordeal or tribulation to confirm i have indeed changed. it matters more to me myself than it does anybody else. i am proud that i have survived this trauma on my own. 2 months ago i wouldn't not have managed it. it matters not to me that anybody else care to know anything about my personal struggles. what matters is that i know about them. i know for a fact i've changed. i'm a better person, and the reason being my recent excursions. i have been living very healthy lately even though my GF nearly died in a coma over christmas. what this means is that i can derive strength through my loving of others regardless of how they might feel for me. this epiphany spells victory for me no matter what happens over the next month. i'm fine now.

in love & service,
AhNasty