I feel like I'm two different people sometimes

It's like I've got Person 1, who's got it together, you know. I do the things I'm supposed to, I say and think the things I'm supposed to, and not just in reference to LG's but in life. I toe the line and I'm happy. I appreciate the family and friends I have. I look at every day as an opportunity to do something fun. Sure I don't have everything I want but it's a lot better then what some others have. I've got a lot going for me, I have a lot of fun. I'm a generally happy person. I've got my health, I'm full of energy and life. I enjoy the people I'm with and I like learning new things every day. I feel good, I love LG's they're so beautiful. I love the time I spend with them and I think I'm contributing something good to their lives. I feel like a happy person, just living my life.

And then it's like I've got Person 2. And I'm angry and sad and I cry for no reason, or maybe all the reasons? I look at myself and I think of how ugly and disgusting I am. I make these stupid impulsive decisions. Or I think about how nobody could ever love me, not if they saw who I really was. And I try so hard to do all the things I'm supposed to but even just daily tasks can become overwhelming. Just getting up. And sometimes I have a bad week, where I just don't function properly and I ruin it for myself and I'm stuck thinking GOD why did you do that? What the hell is wrong with you! No matter how hard I try I always fuck up and I'm afraid I'm going to ruin all the good things I've started, or I'm going to make some horrible decision and it's going to be all my fault.

The scary thing is that I genuinely am both of these people you know? Sometimes I'm happy and content and I really am making good decisions and trying to set myself on the right path and other times I'm this stupid peice of shit and I can't even look at myself. Or I think what I'm doing is okay and then theres that voice that keeps telling me I'm wrong. Like maybe I'm on here justifying why it's alright to like little girls but this other side of me is saying JESUS, you don't 'like' little girls you want to have SEX with them, you wanna fuck some girl and you can twist it into a sweet thing but I could just as easily be wrong. And I can't go to anyone to talk about it because I come here and everyone is going to say that it's okay (to like them I mean) and I can't go to anyone in RL because they're going to say I'm a horrible person so I'm stuck trying to figure out which path I should be taking. And this happens to me in other things to, I'll be doing something and another part of me is saying I'm wrong, you're doing everything WRONG. I guess it's more that there are two sides of me rather then two people but they're at such conflicting sides that it's hard for me to see it as myself sometimes. I just don't know which part of me is right and which ones wrong, and I try to make good decisions but sometimes I do stupid stupid shit. I can't even trust myself. I know I'm ranting on, sorry.