Been there

You pretty much described me there, sort of. I don't have my life together anymore. I used to, but when I came out I was extremely suicidal. Coming out may have saved my life, but it also caused me a lot more problems. Still, here I am.

The thing you have to remember is that thoughts do not equate to actions. I've had a lot of thoughts I'm not proud of, of things I would NEVER do in reality. But I've gone through that spiral of shame because of it. You just have to accept that your sexuality is not the same as most people's and it doesn't mean you are a bad person.

As for your appearance, I am CERTAIN as sure as I'm sitting here that you are not nearly as unattractive as you think you are. I've seen several GLers and I'm almost always stunned at how attractive they are (and no, I'm not gay, lol.) I think there's a pervading myth (one of many) that pedos are all creepy, ugly people and it's almost never true. I got to thinking that MAPs probably have issues with body dismorphism more than most, because, after all, our standard of beauty is a child. We can never look like children. I can't even imagine being a female GLer with all the pressures society puts on females anyway to look good. But rest assured, you are almost certainly more attractive than you think you are.

I'll tell you something I haven't yet mentioned here: I'm almost 40 and starting to feel very unattractive too. I'm losing my hair, getting a paunch around the mid section, and I am pasty white with raccoon eyes. Not a pretty picture, is it? And yet, a few days a go a 29 year old woman who looks much younger (very petite, gorgeous face, worked as a stripper at one time) actually hit on me. She told me she wished she'd met me before she'd met her current husband. So you see? We're rarely as ugly as we think we are.

Besides, you are truly blessed because you WERE a girl at one time. I envy that. :)