I think you could be right

I wouldn't have thought of that myself but it sounds right. I think the reason is that sometimes I don't trust myself, like I've made decisions before and then I've had others tell me what I was doing was wrong and horrible and it's like if some of those decisions were so bad I can't imagine what they would think if they always knew what was going on in my head. I don't want to disappoint the people around me and I know that the thoughts and feelings I have would make them think I was horrible. I don't trust myself enough to know for certain if what I'm thinking is right or if it's wrong.

I've been trying to be a good person, I used to not have myself together very well, like even school was this horrible chore and I've just started to get through all the moral stages. Like the first stage was where I was compelled by authority, people were making me do things whether I liked it or not (which just made me feel angry and out of control), and then I would try to do the right thing to escape critism, so that people (family mostly) weren't angry with me. Toe the line or ELSE. Then I finally began to realize that I needed to start growing up, and I knew intellectually that I needed to change some aspects of my life, but I wasn't really putting in all the effort that I needed to. And I guess the last stage is to be mentally and emotionally self-motivated for change and I think I've finally reached that stage in my life. The problem is that sometimes I just have a bad week, I do something stupid or I neglect my responsibilities and it's my fault. I get myself together and I go damn what did you just do?

But yes I know what you mean and I think after getting things off my chest I can see that I don't really want to hurt anyone, and I haven't done anything, so I don't have any reason to think so poorly of myself. Thanks for your perspective Dante, I wouldn't have thought of it the way you put it.