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Am I destroying my life with drugs + alcohol?

Posted by GL_in_lyrics on 2012-May-14 21:38:18 EDT, Monday
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Earlier I was reading about Ted Williams (the Golden-voiced homeless guy). Now I can't help but feel guilty.

I managed to "turn my life around", and I had quit all drugs and alcohol for nearly 5 years. No cigarettes, either. The most I did during that time was pop a few tylenol pills. But... in the last year and a half I started drinking and smoking again. I've also become addicted to pain killers.

But, I guess I don't see what the big deal is. The truth is, either way my life has basically stayed the same regardless to whether or not I was sober. I have no responsibilities, either, and no one depends on me. I barely have any expenses to pay at that.

I don't notice much of a difference, sober or not, but still I feel guilty.

And what's the deal with people claiming Christ helped them get off drugs and alcohol? Since when is it forbidden for Christians to drink? Am I missing something?

My life has stayed the same regardless what I'm on. Either way, it's a lonely, depressed, miserable place. My wallet is hurt a bit by such habits, sure, but not much.

I guess I started up again with the drinking and smoking simply because of how tormented I'd become. I hear the cruel words people have said to me, repeating in my head over and over again. I can barely hear myself think. It's so bad that my head hurts, which creates headaches that are a major problem. No, I don't hear voices. I don't understand such a concept. I saw the post earlier about hearing voices in your head... I don't have such a problem, even though there's a history of mental illness in my family, as well as family members who hear/heard voices. With me, it's a matter of being tormented by bad memories which I'm constantly reminded of.

Even when I was sober, my health was deteriorating all a long. It's gotten worse since I fell off the wagon, but it was such a constant process I can hardly blame it on that.

And... when I drink, these problems go away. It's really the only time I feel happy, and normal.

I suppose I don't get many pleasures from life. This is all that's there for me.

Still, I feel guilty, but I'm not sure what the point of that is.

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