Exactly.

I'm screwed, one way or the other.

I've already posted about this in the last several days, especially regarding why it's not possible for me not to remain celibate.

I've thought about this a lot, and short of a miracle, it is just not possible for me to get out of this situation.

I'm still going to try certain things... just today I started a certain kind of herbal holistic medicine treatment. Also, I do plan on trying a bit harder to make friends, but that looks like a long shot. I'm not likely to find friends that can give me the type of support I'm looking for.

I've done this before. There were times in the last few years where I thought I had met some good people, and things were starting to turn around for me. But it turned out all to be a lie that slaps me back in the face later... making my problems a lot worse than they were to start with. And no, this wasn't all to do with pedophilia, either.

With all the suffering in the world, people dying and starving to death with no hope whatsoever, I'm not going to lie and tell myself that I'll hit it big one day and be A-OK. Some people just have to suffer. There are people suffering much worse than me, and that's how they'll die. So in my situation, I cannot lie and say that I'm someone special who deserves so much better than this.

I'd rather die in misery than make myself live a lie where I go against everything I stand for, and sacrifice all my dreams.