Re: I will suddenly think 'I want to kill myself'

It´s so sad for me to read this post... Cause I have it probably the exact same way.

It´s more like a frustrating thing for me, nowadays. I feel it´s more a frustrating thing, than actually alarming nowadays. I will try to explain about my experience on this:

I felt that passing my mid 30`ies, it calmed these things a little down. And it got a bit easier after that. Before, it was more crazy... I will not tell about the thoughs I was thinking back then! It gets easier now, when I get older. At least, that´s how I feel.

But, I can stand shaving, and suddenly, out of the blue: "F**k, I just want to die."

What I have found is that there are suicidal thoughts, which are worse, I think. And there are "thoughts about death". Or "deathhwishes". These are what I feel I experience. Not as severe as suicidal thinking. (Sorry about my bad English... I´m bad at explaining.)

And it´s often just as much all the other things, than being a ped:

Why did life turn out this way?
Why did people decide very important things in my life. And they decided it on their premises, not mine? Many of my most important decisions in my life, has ben made by others... It has been sort of, "forced upon me". I HATE this so much when looking back, and understanding what actually happened in the light of hindsight... I see this as a red thread through my whole life. Family members and others did it in good faith, for my own good. Or so they thought.

Sometimes I´m asking myself: Why does a painter get color-blind, or a musician gets deaf. It´s so unfear... Why does the worst thinking situations actually happen!? (And why does it happen to me?)

I can´t fix it. My situation is the same, so I don´t have a "fix". Unfortunately...

There are some small tips though, to make it more bearable:

Enough sleep, healthy eating routines, exercise and stable routines might help.

And what would really help for me: To do two-three things in life that really, really matters for me. Something that I want to do. Because I want to do this with my life.

That helps me keep these thoughts at bay.

But maybe, I will experience it, in the same way, even if I succeed. It´s like a ball filled with air, that I try to press underwater, for days and weeks. And suddenly it comes up to the surface.

It´s so sad for me, not having a facit, a solution... But I can only tell about my experiences. It´s all I got.

Hugs! And take care!

B.