When all you need is love

I am not going to get all hippie about it.

Neither am I going to reference Moses Berg. This time.

But when it is true, it is true.

I don't want to dwell on it when all I am thinking, so far, is very much in the abstract and theoretical realm and although it's being applied, it's very much a seed that is being watered, not yet a blossoming flower, ripe fruit or tall tree.

The preschooler arrived to me at an odd time. Not yet at the point where I would fall head over heels for someone of her personality. But maybe that's just what was needed. That she keeps her personality long enough, in spite of the conflicting centrifugal forces on her. She needs love. She needs love to contain those forces. To show her that she doesn't have to be torn apart, and also that she doesn't need to paint herself aggressive for people to care that she is there and that she is she.

The first grader was late in arriving to me. And that delay still makes her want me to overcompensate for that. If only she knew she doesn't need to. She needs love. And I may acknowledge I may not always be the best at showing how much I love her - yes, that's possible! But I do love her. In spite of a tamer sexual attraction [not weaker, only tamer] than to the tween heartbreakers she is the one who I ideally would cuddle up with on a cold night and wake up with when the sun rises. She needs love. Perennially she does. Just because she absorbs it and makes her eyes shine, her lips smile and her cheeks rosy. And she needs to love herself more than she does. I understand her need for love from others, and I want to help her meet that need. She will still need to love herself more just because she is a lovely creature, but I am not sure she realizes fully how lovely she is.

The Other Twin is simply strange. Something in me has the thought in the back of my mind that she may truly have been sexually interfered with. I have absolutely no evidence, of course. Except that it's unusual to me how much she is non touchy when all the rest are not. Her lack of comfort is discomforting. She's hawt, and she's pretty. Realistically, she could have any Pedo in the world that she wanted. But she doesn't. She seeks her path, imposes it, isn't afraid to defend it, and doesn't look back. Yet she needs love. She is the strongest of them all all right. Yet part of the strength she projects outwards isn't strength, but weakness. It's being strong but also acting strong not to show herself weak. She needs love to help her be weak when she wants a break and needs to be weak for a while. She needs love to know it's fine. One day she will, but she is the one I cannot make budge to be loved.

My Twin is a dream. I could go wordless trying to say all the ways in which she is. But she is a contrast to her Twin. Sometimes I think in the womb they argued about who would get all the personality traits that differ between them. She's the smartest. She's the most responsible. She's the most aware of her surroundings - at least when she wants to, because still she fails at times I think she shouldn't. She's the one that best dominates the puppy face. She's the funniest. She's the most social. And yet she is also the most vulnerable, the most insecure, the most in need of approval and appreciation from others, and the one who least thinks she is getting it. Probably not explicitly, but she is getting it. She just doesn't realize (and probably can't, from her point of view) when others are already assuming her capacities. Still, that she doesn't know how great she is, and that she doesn't see that others know and recognize it, makes her vulnerable in general, and makes her needy in ways that make her both dependent and willing to overlook negatives in her search for approval. She needs love. She needs love to show her her own worth, to show her that she is highly regarded by others already for what she is, and so that she doesn't set herself up for disappointment in a thankless search for something she already has but doesn't know she has. She needs love to prove to her that she has it all.

The Cousin is a paradox. She obviously loves me, but she is so insecure of her own feelings that she always fails to say it. She has become jealous of the Twins for my closeness to them, but she brought it on herself by always keeping a longer distance to me. Some days even saying hello is almost too much for her and some days she almost tries to steal the kiss I've never dared attempt but I've always dreamed happening. I think on a rational scale she understands me and my relation with the other girls. It hurts, though, on the emotional side. It hurts her that she was first and for a long time only, and then found herself displaced by the others. I don't think she is displaced, not in my hearts, minds and souls anyway. But it's something that she can't see by looking at me. I want to tell her to dare. I want to tell her to tell me she loves me, and jump and hug me, and maybe try to kiss me. But I can't - because she needs to realize on her own and think about it on her own; and because she is also confuzed on her own feelings and I mustn't force her to think on my terms or rush what she must do herself. But she needs that love. She needs love that shows her that I never left her, and that she is to me what she always was. And she needs love for more personal reasons. She's always thought herself the odd piece of the puzzle, although she doesn't say it. In some ways she is. But part of why I love her is that: because she isn't so completely a creature embedded in a logic that came before her. She's never truly belonged in that logic. She's looked many ways for that lighthouse to tell her where the port is that she should dock to, or at least where the rocks are that she should avoid. No answer yet has satisfied her - and that's as it should be, because nothing and nobody yet has met the standards of her question. I want to meet the standards of her question. I want to make of her the girl she's always been meant to be; the girl that didn't know where she was supposed to be, so she made her own place to be. But she needs love. Only that love will give her the strength to be that girl. And paradoxically, she needs to come searching for that love without knowing why. I can't love her enough if she doesn't ask me; but I can't make her ask me. Her first act of becoming that girl must happen before she becomes that girl, and it will be to come ask me for the love I've never stopped having for her, while believing in her mind that I don't love her anymore, not as much. But I can't say how happy I will be when she takes that step. And I will love her as she needs, and she will realize I never stopped loving her, and she will be able to become the first and central piece of the puzzle she draws herself, not the ones others drew without her.

And the Teen oh Gawd! She needs love. She needs more love than anyone else. She needs it more all the time than anyone else. She needs it more unconditional than anyone else. She needs to learn that history isn't destiny. She needs to see that she is the author of her path. She needs to know that she will have love all along the way. She needs to realize that although that love from others may be unconditional, that the one which counts most is that of herself loving herself for the sake of herself. And at that point she may also realize that she can't give more love than she has for herself, and if so forgive herself for what she may still think are failures of hers. She needs love so she finds herself worthy of being loved. Then she'll find that she can love herself. She may not have the wit and tenderness of the Cousin or the intelligence and dedication of My Twin, but nobody asked her to. The less she seeks to be like, the more she can do or refuse things for their own sake and not for what they look to others or to herself when thinking more of others than of herself. She needs love to stop comparing herself. She needs love to learn to make decisions. She needs love to start being what she can be herself. And she can be a great girl. And I think she is on her way. But she needs love. She's now ready to be loved. Willing to be loved. I need to give her more love than I've ever given anyone in my life. But she needs to keep it, to see why she is worth having it. Then she'll water that seed, until the flower blossoms, the fruit ripens, and the tree grows. And I will love to see that. Because she, and everyone, deserve it.

And you know what? I am glad and proud to be able to be there.

It's a privilege to be able to look to a girl's eyes, and see her love there, love for the world, for others, for God, and for themselves, because without loving themselves, they wouldn't be able to love others. And to know I was a part of it is its own reward.