NOT cameras, India, or chid abuse

Joseph Campbell says if your dream coincides with that of society, you are in good accord with your group. If it does not, you have an adventure in the dark forrest (world of fire, original experience) ahead of you and you'll be neurotic. But many visionaries, leaders and hero's are neurotic. Either you can take it or you can't. It takes courage.

I have lacked courage to live in original experience and have only been able to 'take it' by living a secret, hidden life alongside my 'normal' respectable worker and family man life.

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world - C.S. Lewis

My secret life involves private behavior that is not respected in this world or in the worlds religions. A fantasy world where loving LG,s fully is normal, a world where I can indulge in fantasy and feel good about it. But it must stay hidden and it is lonely. I dream that it could be made into the real world but that cannot be. It is forbidden, resulting in doubt and shame and paranoia.

This has gone on for my whole life. Then I joined this board and have 'met' people that seem to me to be in the process of creating for themselves a healthier outlook about their situation as pedophiles. I am excited and inspired by that. It is the courage that Campbell talks about (although he probably never conceived that it could apply to pedophilia).

It is a new world every day but change is slow. I want to take baby steps that won't result in horrific damage to my family. I don't exactly know how to do this and ask for help from any of you that feels affinity to what I am saying. I hope those willing will include c_a, cuteness, kittens, G'wink, b'fly kisses, Hieronymous, markaba, Baldur, lil'G, et. al.

Still looking for a way to 'celebrate' Alice Day. I am considering talking to a relative that is just about to enter puberty and asking her to understand me, continue loving me, not fear me, and feel comfortable around me while still knowing the real me. She is the only one in my life that I feel I can trust with this knowledge. She already has a sense of my attraction to her but knows I will not act. She has set her boundaries with my 'petting' and I have proven to her that I respect them. My touching of her is limited to 'normal' fatherly kisses, hugs, cuddles, and petting. She will not be my child bride if I ever have one but I think she could understand my desire and accept me anyway. She is the only person in my life that I think could handle it and not reject me and not rat me out. She will have a tremendous power over me if I do this but I do not fear that. She will go through head spinning changes as puberty hits but I will be there as a trusted resource to help her if she wants and I will continue to demonstrate my deep love for her so I am willing to proceed on the faith that love will prevail.

I might be crazy.

Love and hugs to you my digital world friends.