"Despite being 11, she shows no signs of blooming (my niece, three years younger, is the taller of the two)."

Awesome.

I trailed the 11-year-old for the majority of the journey. She often walked on an incline ahead of me, bringing her butt inches from my face. From that vantage point, I was able to determine that her bottom was her best feature - it's perfectly round and a little outsized, the only thing on her that retains any trace of baby fat. Her purple tights rode up through the hike, but she didn't seem to mind. I started muttering at her backside and staring into it, almost bitterly. At one point, I recall saying, "Are you kidding me?"

Wow, what a journey. You could consider becoming a shaman or a saint. You seem well on your way. Good luck!