Those who've spent time in relationships and parenting know that not every act which occurs is a loving act.

When I get snippy at the wife, does it mean I don't love her? Of course not. But am I acting out of love? Of course not.

It neither looks that way to an outsider, nor does it feel that way from the inside.

When what you feel is irritation and you express that irritation it isn't the feeling of love that motivates you.

Any parent who has disciplined a child in any way knows that what they feel is fear ( for the child's safety ) and a host of other emotions. But that discipline does not cultivate nor come out of the feeling of love, nor is an act of love. The clue which should occur to the rationalizer who claims that everything which occurs in a "loving relationship" just MUST be love; is that you would hope that a third party who was concerned for the safety of a child they did not love would act as you did for the same emotional reasons you did.

And as to the snippy argument? We all have our failings. But we also know that even in the absence of a "loving relationship" it serves no positive purpose. Petty irritation and its expressions are not acts expressing the positive emotions that might make any two parties choose in the relationship in which they occur.

Some folks though are so conditioned by the "I do this because I love you" rationale, and the way it demands uncritical acceptance or complete rejection of these "entangled" emotions that they see the relationships which lack abusive elements or violent outbursts as passionless performances by automatons.

I had an ex-GF who couldn't comprehend that I could love, care and even value her above her "rivals" without being jealous or controlling. I suppose this "lack of affect" comes from not being "loved" enough in my youth to have permanent scars.

Dante