id appreciate any feedback or advice on how i can find/achieve a lasting happiness, content, satisfaction, etc... thanks

Mostly, casting off illusion... the shoulds, the must-bes, the assumptions.

and while you cuddle with her, lusting to the point of touching her in sexual ways, she allows it because she knows you want it. she trusts you, etc.. she doesnt know why you are doing it though

Masturbation to orgasm has been recorded in utero.

You're attributing a lot of unknowing to someone who does the same.

or if she does because youve explained, she doesnt want it.

You seem to be predicting the thoughts and feelings of people you've never met.

Meanwhile, "because you've explained" is a far less likely source of knowledge than "because they share every aspect of the human experience; they're people, dude, same as you." 'n if someone who likes something stops liking it because you "explained," your explanation probably sucks... and probably involves things which are not physically there.

or maybe shes cool with it. but then what if she turns out to be a pleaser.

Then not only have you failed in your interaction with her, but everyone else has failed in their interaction with her by demonstrating no higher possibilities.

In cognitive psych, btw, your train of thought is known as "disqualifying the positive."

but im a depressed person

I never would have guessed. (/sarcasm)

Yeah, actually I would. There's a chicken-and-egg situation surrounding trains such as disqualifying the positive; depression causes shitty thinking patterns (which are flat-out delusional), shitty thinking patterns cause depression.

You can break either.

maybe once she hits puberty, the real relationship will be possible

Boobs have magic powers now?

~takes notes~

(actually, no they don't, but... )

what if she turns out to be a pleaser... where did her free spirit go? you know what i am saying?

Again, it's up to you to try to have a little more dimension than that - but if even one person, anyone, does, you'd stand out as abnormal if you fail.

so anyways, lets say, you go down on this prepubescent child. she loves it. the tickling, the wonderful feeling, etc.. now she demands that men always please her.

Caging, where any outcome leads to "bad" outcomes, is more often seen in bullying than depression... but hey, you've hit it. :)

there just doesnt seem to be a way to make sure everything is always balanced out and that in the long run she will be the person she would be if none of this ever happened.

That's also true of every experience.

There's no way to make sure that she will be the person she would be if she had different parents, or no parents at all. There's no way to make sure that she will be the person she would be if she didn't have all her friends. There's no way to make sure that she will be the person she would be if she were grappling with hunger, or if she grew up in a gender-fluid world, or if she grew up in a world where "family" was abolished and had been replaced by community, or a world in which people lost the vote at the age of ten, or half a billion other things.

That's also not neccesarily a bad thing. Meanwhile, you've got a pretty good guide as to who she is now - her. The only question is whether you are a safe space to let her explore that.

im saying, its a major risk to take to have sexual relations with a child

But if one takes a break from one's determination to come to a conclusion of hopelessness, according to your argument, it's also a major risk not to - a sexually isolated and frustrated child might, in fact, turn out differently than one who is not.

In fact, restriction economics have been studied fairly well in food choice.

and if you truly love them, then

This is known as an "ultimatum." They're usually bullshit, and increase the amount of drasticness without contributing anything - regardless of content.

i like to say im a pedophile, because it feels right. but i just dont think ill ever find a true happiness in it.

Of course you won't. The only thing you'll find happiness in is... happiness. Looking for it somewhere else just guarantees you won't find it.

maybe i just want a little girl to love me and like know shell take care of me.. you know, whatever is missing, she will be there.

Similarly.

Looking for deficiency needs outside yourself - except for food, water, and oxygen - is always fruitless. To use a metaphor which is apt largely only by coincidence, if one builds the finest house, and the foundations are quicksand, one will not long have a fine house.

It's like chemistry... say one needs some tungsten. If one searches for tungsten in pure gold, one will not find it. If one searches for tungsten in pure copper, one will not find it. Only tungsten is itself.

The notion of a symbolic world is great for communications; it allows little squiggles on a digital screen to have meaning. In life, however, it is crap. Looking for the symbols of something just means one is looking for something where it is not. If a bizzare social ceremony means love to you, you will end up with two things - a loveless marriage, and the sadness of disappointment. If love means love to you, then should you choose to have a bizzare social ceremony, your marriage will have about the love you expected going in.

You... can pretty much end your depression with a few easy steps...

1. Nothing has symbolic meaning.

2. Everything is itself; nothing else is that thing and that thing is not something else.

3. You can't predict the future.

Looking for happiness in things outside happiness itself is going to lead to disappointment. Looking for love in symbolic things which are not love is going to lead to disappointment. Trying to use a cold griddle to cook, or a hot griddle for picking up with your bare hands, is going to lead to disappointment.

You... pretty much want to get rid of all of that - and possibly focus entirely on physical objects immediately present, since the world of concepts is a bit hard for you, depressively-speaking. We're talking extreme limitation to the physically visible - not "across the room is a white shoe," but "across the room is a shoe; it is white on this side." All else is a world of dreams - and even calling it a "shoe" is a hallucinatory attribution; if someone fills it with dirt and sticks a flower in it, it is a flower-planter.

These dreams are for recreational purpouses only. If they hurt, knock it off.

Meanwhile, I'd also give up the attempt to predict what another person is going to think, do, feel, or say. It doesn't go well, and our job there is to listen, not to tell them. :)

Free your mind from this web of dreams, and the rest will follow. Have fun - it's what life is here for.