My heart aches for you. I've been fortunate enough to have never had to deal with a suicide personally, though I've had friends come close. I can barely imagine the pain of losing some one that way at all, let alone being a factor in it. I'm sorry to hear that. I want terribly to offer words of comfort to you, but each thing I think to say always feels cold and emotionless. So instead, I just want to offer you my sympathies and care. I'm deeply saddened to know you've ever had to go through such an emotionally painful experience.