I shouldn't hate being a pedo. (Emot. train wreck)

Hi, folks. I know I dont post on here too much. I guess Im just more used to the posting format of another pedo board, which I disassociated from when I felt things were getting a bit dangerous for one reason or another.
I am a pedo, and deep down have probably known it since I was 18 and bonded with an 11yo girl at camp. For whatever reason, I started craving some self-acceptance and some community a couple of years ago. I ran an engine search and found VOA, and loved it. I felt an understanding, I felt liked, I felt a bond with folks that seemed normal to me, but that the rest of society wasnt OK with. I felt like I wanted to be honest with myself again. It was a great feeling.
A couple of years ago, I made friends with a young woman of about 20. She is fighting a deadly disease. Beside the point I guess. On my birthday last year, she, as well as two of her friends whom I had gotten to know, confronted me on MySpace. They had found out I am a pedo. Immediately, they banned me from their MS and LJ accounts. I completely freaked. A volatile combination of being scared of the unknown, and being sad---torn apart---at the end of these friendships, and just being labeled as the nonpedo community likes to do to us. I spent several hours of my birthday (that day) going back and forth between my two third-floor open windows trying to decide which was the most lethal trajectory for me. Eventually I calmed down, but was still in a dysfunctional state for about a week.
Slowly, but very steadily, I got back on track, and started realizing that today is the only day that counts. The past has absolutely burned me, and if I think too hard about the future, I get sad. I feel like I am losing time. I worry too much about what has gone wrong or is going wrong, and start overanalyzing my life. Somehow, I have gotten skilled at living in the present.
Well, for the most part. I still think a lot about the people with whom I had these friendships. But I am usually just able to say Hey, I had happy times with them, but its time to move on. And indeed my focus has been away from them. Friendships change for us all.
Today, for whatever reason, I decided to look up these two girls, and find their accounts again. Dumb idea. I slipped into a depression again that nearly has killed me before. I remembered all the details, saw how my friends have evolved without me, and knew that even though these friendships seem just barely---just barely---out of reach, it just isnt true. They know I am a pedo. They do not accept it. Those friendships are gone.
I am an atheist, but sometimes I fantasize that all my loved ones will appear on the other side, along with those that I seemed to have problems with, so Id get a chance to write wrongs. In my heart of hearts I know its just not true, though. This is the life we have to focus on, and theres only so much time to make it right. Well, maybe not right, but acceptable. Sometimes its hard not to know whether to shoot for the stars or be more of a realist and accept that things probably arent going to be great.
This morning, when I awoke from a great PT physical fantasy, I loved being a pedo. Ten hours later, I absolutely dispise it. Its really damaged the other side of my life, and the other side of my life has really damaged my pedo side.
I am a mess. I cannot concentrate. I cannot read my favorite boards. I cannot get this lump out of my throat. But for crying out loud, Ive gotten myself out of depressive flare-ups before numerous times. I think I can this time. I have no clue the missing link, though.

Thanks for listening to this derailment. I'm sure there's maybe a nugget of truth in this rambling for some of you.