Checklist

The good news, it doesn't sound like you're clinically depressed or compulsive. These suicidal thoughts don't come out of the blue and impose themselves on a life that seems otherwise OK.

Since you link them to causes, all of which are related to your situation, then you can work on addressing what's going on in your life.

Main reasons:

- I'm pedophile (girllover)

And?....

Whether you are or aren't is no factor in what sort of life you construct for yourself. Furthermore its nobody else's business unless you chose to share.

I would have to go out of my way to let anyone else know I was a Ped; therefore it doesn't impact my life externally. And there are a lot of other things I am which aren't judicious to share with random strangers. In my line of work sharing my Atheism with the general public would be about as bad as revealing my Pedophilia, or that I find pregnant women to be a turn-on.

So selective disclosure is a non-issue.

- My teenage girlfriend I love don't agree with my orientation and she adjudge me

As JD said, that's her problem. Some matters are too important to compromise on in a relationship. But oftentimes you can ascertain that a potential GF holds incompatible views without necessarily sharing your own. The intolerant seem more than happy enough to reveal themselves to the world.

Even differences in religion or relationship expectations will be revealed in conversations about third parties without the necessity of you confessing your own stance on divisive and unpopular issues.

Its a good thing you found out sooner rather than later. While she might appear to love you, its pretty clear that she loves who she can reduce you to if you're willing to become someone else for her. And that's far too high a price to pay.

- My parents are divorced and they are in constant conflict

You can't make their choices for them. But you can arrange your life so that they keep their conflict out of it. Its not unreasonable to ask them to be civil when you're together. And if they can't, you could see them separately and request that their conflict not be a topic of conversation.

The same is true with friends. You only participate in their s**t to the degree that you're willing to. And if their s**t is more important to them than spending quality time with their offspring, then you don't have to make yourself available for it.

We can't choose our parents. But we can choose our friends and mentors. While we all need parental figures in our lives; sometimes we have to seek them out. Expecting brilliance from random sperm and egg donors who happen to be related through matrimony is too much. Its great when it happens. But fertility doesn't confer parenting skills.

- My younger brother is separated from me an I can't see him when I want

This will be remedied as soon as he comes of age. If he isn't interested; well, what I said about family goes for siblings too. And if he does, then taking yourself out before you can choose to be adults together will leave a gap in his life which can't be replaced.

A decent brother is a winning lottery ticket in the game of genetic chance. You shouldn't self-eject from this relationship before it comes into its own. Speaking as a sibling, I think its possible to be closer when the relationship is no longer forced or contentious as it gets when you're both living under your parents' roof and their rules. As adults you get to redefine what being siblings means to you; and generally it improves in quality even if you don't see each other as often as when he's hogging the bathroom as you're getting ready for school.

- I'm depressed

Lack of control over your life will do that. Some of this the inevitable outcome of a society without Youth Rights. Some of this comes from trying to rescript your past or from trying to recast reticent actors in pivotal roles in your life.

Genetic relations aren't a good process for vetting talent. And nepotism makes as much sense in the support structures you build as it does in business practices.

If you spend too much time on those who aren't there for you it takes time and energy away from finding and being available for whose who are willing and able to support you.

- I often think that even little girls do not like me

Most LGs on Earth are unaware of my existence. While I generally have positive interactions with those who I do meet, I'm under no illusion that most of them will remember this stranger as soon as our brief moment is over.

The tiny handful who do know me by name and give me a shout-out are mostly AGs. But I've never had a non-related LG approach me seeking my company twice in a row.

How I relate to them doesn't depend on any importance I might have in their lives. My life just isn't arranged to have a reliable LG presence in it.

Other:

- I don't live at my home

You didn't paint such a rosy picture of "home" to begin with.

Again, "home," like "family" is what you choose, not what is foisted upon you. While most of us grow up in a dwelling, or a series of them, home is what you create from where you are.

And as with sibling relationships, it becomes easier to create a home when you're out from under the one you had no say in. As much as many Peds bewail growing up; in our society adulthood has its perks ( ones which should be extended to youth as well.)

- I have no enough money for studying, even if I work

Most of the people I know with such a problem have done very little exploration of their options.

For every dozen students I know who are struggling to get by with part-time jobs, I know others who manage a full-time job and college.

A lot of it has to do with managing one's time and with how badly you want it. The latter part may play into the reasons why emmigrees from persecution and poverty so often fare well; they have no choice but to examine all options and build the life they require.

While this isn't impossible, the fact that your folks don't have their s**t together doesn't bode well for the life management skills they passed along.

Most schools though have a financial-aid counselor who has a history of helping students thrive. Take advantage of the resources around you.

- I abused sedative

... whose role is to depress your central nervous system.

Far from alleviating your pain, drugging yourself to the gills impairs all the skills you need to build the life you deserve, and guarantees a minimum level of depression regardless of how well things are going.

The good news.

Everything you're talking about is manageable. But you can't wait for your life to come to you. You have to work on creating it. Taken all-together as a checklist it may seem overwhelming.

But each of these areas has a solution; and those that require the most work have the greatest resources available.

I would suggest seeing a counselor; one financial and another emotional, on most all issues not relating to Pedophilia. I think that once you've got all other aspects of your life underway, that sorting out your feelings relating to your sexual orientation will be simpler than you think.

Dante