Re: Suicide thoughts

I remember a while back, I was in the same rut, almost. I posted everything that was on my mind, and to my delight, it was pretty coherent. I had decided to revisit the website of an x-friend who got rid of me because I am a pedo. I had felt like I had literally put my hand in a hot and ready frying pan and held it there for maybe 10 seconds.

I was absolutely devastated that night, and thought that I might end it all that night. But there was something in me that decided to reach out to people that I knew I had something in common with. That night, the people in question were the people on this site. I spilled it all out there, pretty clearly, it seems, and got a multitude of thoughtful answers from people that seemed to realize I was in immense pain.

Although it is no cure for depression, the reponses that night were just what was needed that night, and I shall literally forever be grateful to Dissident and many others for the insight they offered. I just wish somebody knew where that thread went; I did not save it.

This episode related to an episode on my birthday in '07, where I had the falling out with the person in question, plus three others. I spent the balance of that night with the windows open in my 3rd floor apartment. For four hours, I paced between the two windows, trying to decide which window was best to fall out of, and whether to go head first or just let my whole body fall evenly.

The following morning, as I was still contemplating this, the cold just got to me too much, and I tried to just calm down a bit, in a quasimeditative way. My suicide attempt gradually seemed more and more stupid. After that initial shock of being exposed as a pedo, I started to accept it, and be glad I was still alive, though I felt like I was in a position of needing to hide a bit from the net, and people in general.

I was a wreck for about a week, but that first night was just scary as hell. I didn't deep down want to die. I also didn't want to disable myself more than I already am. I realized my mother would be taking care of me in that case, and would eventually realize I'm a pedophile. Life would just suck even worse if I tried suicide and failed.

Also, not to preach at all, but I happen to be an atheist. No afterlife, blah blah blah. Not sure I'm quite ready for that. Also, I can't prove I'm right. Eternity for all of us could be our getting stuck in an elevator where it's raining nails and it smells like moldy bananas. I'm not ready for that.

The struggles of life seem insurmountable at times, but it beats rushing yourself into the unknown of time after death.

The best thing I can say to you is, reach out, either to us, or to someone else you trust, professional, otherwise, or both. My mental health has been preserved by both friends and professionals.

Good luck to you. :)