Reflections on 'Guidelines'

Hi,

"If I were a cl, these would be my guidelines:"

And, here are my responses to them:

(First, it must be understood that what I write here is only hypothetical. We all know the law and I follow it 100%. I do not now, nor have I ever had, sexual relationships with children of any kind, even minimally. I encourage anyone reading this to obey the law and abstain from engaging children sexually on any level. But, in a saner, more caring world, these would be my guidelines.)

"1. The adult is not in a position of obvious authority over the child - for instance, not a guardian or teacher, not someone the child depends on for their welfare."

People who are in authority over a child are the ones who have the greatest chance to actually get to know the child. They are in the position of being able to make friends and learn the needs, wants, and genuine feelings of the child. Since it is these people who, next to the parents, know the children best, I would not automatically disqualify them from a loving relationship. I would rewrite Guideline Number 1 to read as follows:

1. An adult in a position of authority over a child, is not to use said authority to coerce, threaten, or intimidate a child, for the purpose making a child become intimate, "loving", or sexual with him/her.

"2. Nothing that could cause the child physical damage or pain is done (i.e., no intercourse that would be painful for the child)."

Agreed.

"3. The child initiates everything - and desire is not confused for curiosity. For instance, if a child asks to see the adult's genitals, that is curiosity - the adult will not then encourage the child to touch him/her." (I fixed your spelling. C-u-r-i-o-s-i-t-y, not C-u-r-i-o-u-s-t-y.)

My rewrite:

The child agrees to everything - and desire is not confused for curiosty. For instance, if a child asks to see an adults genitals, the adult may ask if s/he wants to touch but may not insist.

"4. The child's intentions must be clear. For instance, if a child wants to do something sexual with the adult, it must first be made clear WHY. There's the risk of a child who'd been previously sexually abused to want to do something sexual with an adult friend because that is what he/she has been taught to do to show love."

I would agree that an honest discussion take place BEFORE an adult honors a child's wishes. But, to be honest, this should not only be for sexual activity; it should be for any activity with a potential for negative consequences.

"5. The adult is first and foremost the child's friend - anything sexual must only come as a natural result of a close loving friendship."

Agreed.

"6. Every sexual action and its consequences must be explained fully to the child before taking place."

Agreed.

"7. The relationship must not be a secret."

I have always said that the number one reason for trauma in later years to children who have been involved in consensual relationship, is the "Dirty Little Secret". Ideally children should be allowed to take their experiences to school and share them with their classmates during "Show and Tell". Of course, this is not an ideal world, is it?

"8. It should be clear to the child that if at any point he or she does not want to participate sexually, the adult will have no problem with this and the relationship will revert back to platonic, with no negative consequences."

Agreed.

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