I don't even want it anymore

Thanks Minstrel. I have had an epiphany and not a happy one. Somewhere along the way I stepped through a portal and came out into another place. I don't know how or when it happened but this place isn't reality. This is metaphorical, or maybe it isn't. I just don't know anymore. I'm sorry, I'm having a breakdown. It has nothing to do with the chat thing, it's just unfortunate timing. Actually I've been slipping toward it for awhile. I hope what I'm saying makes sense but I fear it doesn't. I've never had such a problem with communicating. It's a strange thing for me. I'm repulsed by the world, I guess that's the best way to say it. Have you ever seen the movie Jacob's Ladder? That's how I feel right now. Those assholes have pushed me to the edge and I am fighting myself, restraining myself from snapping. The good news is that people who snap usually have a pretty good chance of recovering. It's small comfort right now.

I'll do my best to pay back what I owe, and then I have to go away. Maybe for good. It's not this place so much as the whole Internet. I'm afraid it's evil. That sounds pathetic I know. What can I say? It has a way of corrupting people who spend time on it. PJ are just the most obvious manifestation of the evil to us, but have you ever noticed how vicious people are in general? It starts to affect me that way, which isn't good for me. I'm never been an emotionally strong person. I deal with my emotions through my art and writing, and I've gotten far away from it.

The worst of my revulsion has passed. I was really tripping out when I wrote that last post. I'm going to confess something here, since I can't do it in private. I have been experiencing something in the last few months I can barely describe. I literally feel like my mind is splitting in two. It's at its worst just before I fall asleep at night, and sleep is merciful. I sometimes jerk awake when I feel my head splitting like that, and I slap myself. That sounds funny. I guess it kinda is funny. I would laugh if I saw someone slap himself. It's almost an involuntary reaction. This is why I feel like I am going crazy. I find myself doing things at a distance, like I don't really have any control over it. It's a short trip from that to psychotic. Even typing the word 'psychotic' makes my stomach turn.

I'll shut up now. I care about you too, and everyone here from my Markaba days. Don't hold your breath on Markaba. Markaba may not exist anymore, if he ever did. You have to understand that on some level I agree with the positions of the pro-contacters, but I am afraid of following that road too far, because I am not at optimum mental health, to say the least. I just can't agree; it tears me up but if I fall into Markaba's line of thinking I will self-destruct. I literally cannot allow myself to think that way, because if I do I start seeing the whole world as my enemy, and I just can't handle that. I can't explain it any better than that.

Hugs to you all. You've been the best friends I ever had, and I went and fucked it up. I had a moment of clarity in college once, when I told my professor that I had a tendency to sabotage myself. That's what happened with the StC thing. I destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me. I worked for this community, invested my time and love into it, and in a series of strokes I managed to undo it all. That's the story of my life, Min.