Good will come, My new step is to tell my brother.

This copy, I am going to mail to him and his wife. This will be the first new step that I take on my own. At the end I will include personal info, about how they already know her, and where they met her, etc, and how she is just 13, and 11 when we met. So a little surprise for them!

I feel I need to get this out I feel Ive lost a big part of who I am this week. My ongoing 2 year relationship with the girl that was the most special person I could imagine, was the highlight of my life, who opened my eyes to making me first realize how much I loved her, has resolved itself in a manner that I could only ever fear.

It was but a few days since we were put into the situation where she began asking me if I loved her, and I began telling her honestly due to her specific request. To my pleasant surprise, and temporary euphoria, she admitted openly that she loved me too. For a couple of days we considered ourselves together. I think it was quite stressful for both of us, and I felt so much pressure that I had to bring it up.
She has told me, and I quote all of this, that she thinks very highly of me, that I am one the nicest people she has ever met, and one of the funniest. She has told me she enjoys talking to me a lot, and being with me is really fun, and that she has a wonderful time. She has told me she doesnt want me to not talk to her anymore; she says that would be HORRIBLE! She says she does love me. She says she thinks about us being together one day. Now that we have said we should not try to have a relationship, we both agree, and have said that we will likely love each other forever nonetheless.

Ive come to think of her so highly. Outside of family, I was in love with her more than any other love Id ever experienced. Im at a spot now where I dont know where Im going. She has become such an integral part of who I am, and how I see myself. Ive known her, and been in love with her, long enough now that the concept of who I am, what I stand for, and why my goals are, are shaped by having her in my life. I thought for months now, that if I was just able to tell her how I feel, and that we could share that with each other, then I would finally be happy. Amazingly, she actually was in love with me for the past 6 months. She admits this. So I was not delusional in thinking she liked me, I was right. But I was wrong that it would make me feel better, and I was wrong that it would lead to a happy ending.

For so long, I have exerted so much emotion into being with her. She has been the highlight of my week every time I see her, and we get to talk and spent time together. I wouldnt want to trade the time I have had with her for anything in the world! And yet Ive gone on like this, just thinking that I would find happiness someday with her. Once now, having actually shared our mutual feelings with each other, and confirming that we were both are in love with each other, and trying to be bf/gf; it has still come to the point just days later, that we were having the conversation about if we should be together. When it was agreed it would be best to be just friends, we both felt a sense of relief, and I know it is best for her, and for me, but it is the opposite of what I wanted, the opposite of why my feelings tell me is right, and for 2 years I have fought will all my might to make it so that this day would never come, and now that it has I feel totally destroyed and hopeless, and I dont know where Im going.

I dont know how I am going to recollect what I have lost. I lost an integral part of who I am. Without her, I feel I have lost a part of myself and the identity I have, and the life I lived, where she was so important to me. Im lost now in this universe without her guidance, and without her charm in my life. And Im lost for hope that I will ever be with her, because it has been confirmed otherwise. I dont see how I will ever have a relationship like this again, because I cant imagine someone as special and remarkably amazing as her.

I dont feel anything is worth living for without her, or someone like her, in my life. She helped create the image I have today of myself that I am proud of. She is the reason I put up with so much crap from society and from individuals in my life. She is why I have suffered so much in the last couple of years. Ive put up with it all because I have been so in love with her, that I would do anything, and put myself through anything, and endure whatever pain was involved all because I loved her more than anyone else in the world, and more than I even thought possible from myself, but her charm in my eyes, and the wonderfulness and joyfulness of her presence is what has made me working towards what I wanted, made me go through life even though it is so hard, so that I might be able to be with her. Now Im without her as a beacon I have no reference for where I want to go. I feel totally lost.

I dont know from where my motivation will come to move on from her.