Re: It is a nice letter

Hey Captain,

Personally, in case you were wondering, I wanted to let you know the answers.

She seemed very happy with the letter, and she said many good things in reply about it. She said she really wants to stay friends, and that she will begin to teach me her native language. (Haha, I'll pick it up in a bazillion years...) So that is how that went, well. I had a goal of making sure she felt that she did not hurt me, I didn't want her to feel guilty, because it isn't her responsibility, and I wanted to try to make sure she understood where the line is for what are her problems, and what are those of others, and how sometimes even if you see someone is upset, it doesn't mean it was because of something you did, but just something in their own 'process', in my case attachment issues...

She seemed to get this message, even though I didn't say it like that. And if she didn't get the deeper message, that is ok, at least I know in this case she is not hurt or worrying about me, and that gives me peace of mind. Peace of mind because so often I'm (probably) over-concerned, but naturally my concern over-laps. There is on the one hand, the fact that I love her, and naturally care in a good way, and another where there is a stigma, or fear, based on on an inner doubt of myself, (caused by my internal awareness of how 'bad' some, misguided, people think I am).

So I have multiple reasons to care for her. What goes on in my internal process is one thing, but what she sees, and what she interprets of me, and what she makes of it about herself, I try to be cognizant of how it could affect her, for her own good.

And, it should be reassurance, I know much caution should be used when communicating things like this. Certainly I don't say anything that could be ammunition in the court room, but furthermore I think it is advisable for all to consider the fact that someone such as her parents could intercept these messages, and just be mindful of that in what you say. For one, you're right... It was not done in person. There is hard-evidence of what I said to her various places, and to protect both of us I have illuminated to her how it could unfold if her parents found them. She understood this already because she knew she would be in trouble if her parents found out about how we feel for each other.

Regardless that I feel badly that this is the case, and badly that in a way I'm telling her to keep a secret, she understands the risks even at her age, and seems capable of handling the concept of what I illuminated to her. The risk I showed her, of us getting caught, is really the main reason why we mutually agreed we should not be together officially anyways.

In spite of the norms, despite we cannot be free to visit, despite the possible shame, guilt, fear, and so on... We are still in love and I think that is wonderful. As I'm coming out of my depression, I'm seeing how truly valuable this is. Such a distance from where things could be... Not only could she hate me, but also there could have been discovery, or she could be very upset, and honestly, everything seems to be ok! Nothing bad like that has happened, but if her parents found out I'd take it very seriously, and sadly, I can't reduce risk to 0%, but I would be there for her. Lucky I don't think her parents would be TOO irrational, but ya never know, so thanks for making sure I got that, I reassure you I understood before hand! You're just watching out for me...

A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU!
If they had her account passwords, or a keylogger on their home computer they would already know... My parents we never this invasive, but in post 9/11, a lot of parents are.