I don't think anyone is talking about accidentally hurting another.

Nor am I.

The crux of the matter here is intentionally hurting another. And that is easy to spot with physical and psychological abuse and abusive neglect.

Yes, and I am saying that it is possible to both love someone and deliberately hurt them. For one thing, people's feelings are not consistent, even from day to day. Sometimes they are angry and lash out at a beloved, and other times they are at peace and truly feel magnanimous and proud towards that person. We are not automatons that can just turn on the magnanimity and leave it on. Sometimes, when our guard is dropped (because that's what you do with someone you love--you are most yourself then), we aren't thinking about being compassionate. And then that person does something that just grates on you, and you lash out. That's not accidental; you mean to hurt them (emotionally). But when the dust is settled, you feel bad about it, and your heart again feels loving.

See, I think that's where you guys are getting confused. (And this is why I believe there is an above average number of Aspies among MAPs.) You seem to define love strictly through a series of behaviors, but behaviors are only half the story. There is also an emotional component to it. If there isn't, then what exactly is that feeling you guys keep saying you feel towards girls? I don't know exactly what love is (I don't think anyone does), but I know what it isn't: a set of behaviors, full stop. So, there is an emotional component to love. In fact, the emotional component is pretty much the only part of the definition that everyone agrees on. And here's the thing about emotions: they fuck with our heads. No one who actually has emotions is immune from that. Are you?

That is incompatible with any rational definition of love.

But that's just it! Don't you get it yet? Love is NOT rational! And it never will be.

If you cannot tell apart the acts of someone who loves from the acts of someone who hates or who presents criminal aggression or indifference, how can you say that a beating spouse or parent love their spouse or child any more than a playground bully who verbally abuses them, a mugger who beats them for their wallet, or a passerby who lets them hurt in the sidewalk?

Thank you! You have justified my entire existence. Now I understand why I am still here. :) Okay, here's the thing: we've been at this love shit for thousands and thousands of years now, and no one has yet come up with a way to be absolutely sure someone else cares about you. Either you trust them or you don't, and when you trust someone that completely, you open yourself up to all sorts of delusions and emotional nonsense. It comes with the territory. And hey, let me know when you come up with that quantitative formula for love, because we will make billions. ;)

Because at their best they are better than that? Well, even if you love someone 99% of the time, if you intentionally hurt them for the other 1% of the time, then during that 1% of the time you are not loving them. Period. It remains for them to decide if the 1% of the time is a worthy price to pay for the other 99% of the time -- and who knows, maybe it is. But calling it love during that 1% of the time makes the word meaningless.

Okay, we're on the same page now, but you're still not quite getting it. See, you don't always know when you're hurting someone. Why? Because emotions distort your perceptions of things, and no matter how immune you think you are to it, if you truly love somebody, then you can't get away from it. We hurt each other because we can't help it. Relationships only work when both individuals are willing to put the work into staying vigilant about not falling victim to those delusions, and even they can't avoid it ALL the time. As a side note, remember that loving someone isn't always giving them whatever they want. In other words, love is not always about making/keeping the other person happy.

That's why loving parents place limits on their children; because they care about them and want the best for them. Anyway, the difference between an abusive parent and a caring parent (who uses reasonable discipline) isn't always one of quality but rather one of quantity. There are some things that should always be avoided (e.g. striking a child), but there are other things where it's a matter of the right amount versus the wrong amount. For example, sometimes it is appropriate to criticize a child's behavior, but you can take it too far, and then it becomes abusive.