You know how much I sympathize with you, my friend. One of the most tragic situations we can experience if various circumstances put us in the position of meeting a girl in our AoA (Age of Attraction, for newbies) whom we regularly associate with, and we end up coming to think -- likely totally against our volition -- that they are the most amazing and awesomely beautiful person on the face of the planet. That they are a work of art at Mother Nature's hands, a spectacular addition to the world that makes it all the richer just because she lives in it.

Oftentimes, we are forced to silently love from afar, never daring to broach the subject of our feelings to her or anyone else in real life, yearning to have been born in a world that was different, one were younger people were free to make choices "forbidden" in the world we live in due to their legal status as non-citizens and glorified property of their genetic progenitors... and that's that. But sometimes, something "worse" and absolutely more spectacular happens: She develops the same feelings for us, often in tandem with us, and wants to make that "forbidden" choice.

That's when the pain starts. In a situation where we should feel on top of the world and able to enjoy the view from there hand-in-hand with her, we instead feel nervous and scared, and forced into the position where we have to tell her "no." But these feelings are strong, as they are the ultimate in what all human beings yearn for. Moreover, they hit us all the stronger because we long ago accepted that it's something we, alone among the population demographic in this world today, can never have.

Then suddenly, it comes to us it but we have to reject it. It's an unthinkable choice that we nevertheless have to make, because unless we manage to keep an alternative decision completely secret, the people we know, including many of those we love and respect, will make us both pay a dear price for crossing that "forbidden" line. She will be lied to and told we were just callously using her for our own selfish gratification; and if she dares deny that, she can be forced into a state sanctioned behavior modification program masquaradeing as "therapy" for sex abuse victims. This will be a lose-lose situation for her, because if she resists this program, she will be treated to greater and greater degrees of interrogation-like initiatives to "convince" her of the "truth" as society sees it. And if and when they succeed in "breaking" her, she will suffer terribly due to a forced re-conceptualization that a relationships she cherished was all a deceptive facade engineered on your end, and that you were just faking the love you showed her.

And the consequences for you will result in being branded as a criminal of the worst kind, and a betrayer of the worst kind. The love you had will be dismissed, you will be labeled a "predator" who "took advantage" of an amazing girl's feelings for you (as if you ever truly could have felt anything other than actual love for her!), and you will lose the love and respect of the family you cherish. And... there are worse possibilities from there.

I'm sorry fate decreed you be put in this position, Rainbow. I would never judge you for not being able to resist falling for her. Love and romantic attraction are potent forces in the human experience, and you are not only human, but a human who has been deprived of something wonderful that most people take for granted for all of your life. I'm sorry you and her both have to pay a price for this rather than happily enjoying each others' company under your own mutual terms.

But do not think you aren't good enough for her. She believes otherwise, and it was very difficult not to "break" under that kind of pressure from relatives as you described. There was a part of you that wanted acceptance from them, and dared to hope for that. After all, if an amazing girl like her could come into your life and actually fall in love with you, then I can see how one can feel that the sky was the limit for incredible possibilities. But sometimes, an event of miracle-like splendor only strikes once, or if it happens more than once, it doesn't occur again soon after the first time.

Do not think of killing yourself. She would be crushed if you did... and so would we. And so would your family, whether they are willing to admit that to themselves at this moment or not. You made an error of the heart, and it can happen to the best of us.

Know that you are not alone in understanding this type of love, my friend.