GirlChat #726821

Start A New Topic!  Submit SRF  Thread Index  Date Index  

This is the exact thought process I use...

Posted by rainbowloom on Tuesday, September 25 2018 at 01:33:51AM
In reply to death is a release posted by hieronymus on Monday, September 24 2018 at 11:31:31PM avoid suicidal ideation: I get to the point where I feel like jumping right to the point (so-to-speak) and then I realize that it's coming anyway whether I force it to happen or not, so why not wait. And then I slowly remember all of the things I like to do that make life worth living, even in such a somber time, and I start to mellow out.

Sometimes it takes a SURPRISINGLY LONG TIME to reach that specific thought ("it's coming anyway" followed by "so why not wait"); and then I'm left for hours or even days wallowing in the lowest of states ("is life worth living?" from a premeditated emotional standpoint of "no").

Naturally, I don't get to that point - (thoughts of no return) - anywhere near as often these days as I have in the not-so-distant past. I'm mellowing out overall. I've gotten used to my emotional waves, more or less. I've learned how to cooperate with them, more or less.

Getting to that point, though, can be very shocking for the relatively uninitiated (like when induced by drugs), since it feels as though the world's gone somehow sadistic, and anyone and anything that crosses your mind is out to get you. It's all a big trap, you see, no matter what way you look at it. You feel as if you are in a total state of adversary towards the universe, and whatever it is you are looking at is being perceived through the filter of negative absolute.

But that's just one side to it; there's another way it can go. You realize, in that state of "everything's out to get me", that if what you are perceiving is true then there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO in order to prevent your inevitable demise which is theoretically possible at any given moment... And that realization suddenly gives way to an experience some have described as: feeling as though you are hovering about two inches above where you are.

It's fundamentally a release - release from the state of constant tension that is "continuing to be". Of bothering, and therefore worrying, period.

Because you've given up existence.

There's no worry. There's no bother. Phew.

~ Bow

Follow ups:

Post a response :

Nickname Password
E-mail (optional)

Link URL (optional)
Link Title (optional)

Add your sigpic?