National and cultural identity, gender clarity, and traditions upheld without shaming. We cannot fall victim to such cruel onslaughts of cohesion. Off to university with them, I say!

Booms, you say? I'm a dog lover (of the strictly platonic kind), but fireworks are the only nights of the year when I wish I owned cats. Just to laugh at them in their time when status quo arrogance is briefly and unexpectedly replaced by reality-upended terror. This night, can-opener-with-legs is laughing back at you, Fluffy.

Then, while they're still in hiding, I'd take a dump in their litter box just to show who's really top cat after all.