My (now) ex-wife and I went to Montreal to experience a nice riverboat cruise and fancy dinner. The advertisement (in English, no less!) was raving all about this chef and his miraculous creations. We had the money so we booked the tour and dinner. It was about $250 a plate plus something (I forget) for the boat ride. We had never before had the chance to eat fancy things. As you will see, we will never attempt it again. Ever. Never.

It rained and the windows were all foggy and dripping so we couldn't see anything.

The food... no, wait. I cannot call what was given to us "FOOD". Apparently, it was some sort of dead fish stuff and, perhaps, seagull poop. Hell of a smell. That all went uneaten as we wondered what was on the other side of the rain-splotched windows. The dessert arrived and I was hungry enough to consider the sea-gull poop. The cake was black and about the size of a Canadian Looney (our $1.00 coin) and was extremely bitter. My ghod, what kind of cake WAS that? It, too, went uneaten. We were offered a wine list but Mrs. Gimwinkle wasn't interested in wine and the Gimwinkle writing to you hates all wines, beers, and most hard liquors. (A rum and coke is tolerable.) The dinner rolls were, from what I could guess, probably Pilsbury Poppin' Fresh things from the grocery store and THOSE I could eat. But, alas, there were only four. Mrs. Gimwinkle got two and I got two and had a couple nibbles out of a dry napkin to ease my hunger pangs.

Eventually, we were told that we had finally docked. (We had already had the tour?) The lady at the exit asked us how we enjoyed our time.

"The chef should be shot and shot often." I added, "The dinner rolls were nice."