Alright, maybe Tom Hanks will find a way to shed his male tears like he always seems to do for every role, but what about MY TEARS, damnit.

Oh, sure, he knew what to do with the mad we feel, but what about being flat out IGNORED?? That's right. I said it, and some of you think I'm actually lying.

Well my friggin dad sent a letter to those early PBS commies at WNEW channel 13 when lil 5-year-old Eeyore became obsessed about the crank grinding apple peeler he demonstrated on his show. NOT making it up. I REALLY wanted one and my father kindly asked for Mr. R to just tell him where he might buy one for his weird gear-obsessive son. Not such an outlandish request, right?

Dad made the mistake of telling me this, and I waited with baited breath for weeks. WEEKS! Or at least a full week before I forgot, it's a little hazy now.

Well, still no joke, MR. FREAKIN ROGERS NEVER CAME THROUGH! :*(

My lifelong issue of abandonment didn't start with an alcoholic parent. It STARTED with that guy with the sweater and the tennis shoes and the punchin judy who came on sometime between those Magic Garden lesbians and the Electric Company. >:(

GRRR.... Still so pissed. This is proof that he truly wasn't a pedo. I was a DAMN GOOD LOOKIN' 5-year-old, and he easily coulda gained access to me just by showin' up to our door in person with a frikkin three dollar APPLE PEALER!! He woulda been my hero. How much easier of an "easy in" do you need?

You'd think at least that mailman dude he hung with coulda crossed the mothereffin bridge and delivered. Well, he DIDN'T.

No... Eeyore still waits in vain for his vice grip apple peeler.

Now you all finally understand what drives me at my most primal level:/

Damn you, Tom Hanks. How utterly insensitive of you.

(Although a little part of me still prefers to believe some east coast hippy feminist in clogs prolly stuffed all the fan letters into the leftover tote bags bound for the dumpster.)