The forbidden feelings

What is your first memory of learning about sexual matters?

When I was a child, I remember having sexual feelings from a very young age. Maybe 4 or 5. I would get intense erections, which I didn't know what to do with. I would especially become aroused by my sister's barbie dolls, and sexual pictures of women. I didn't understand these feelings at all, and I actually thought something might be wrong with me and my penis. Is all I knew is that it's best if I hide these feelings from the adults around me, my parents, etc. I was scared of them finding out, and what they'd do with me. I think I was right for feeling this way.

Slowly, I began to hear adults talking about sex, like it was some forbidden word. Clearly they didn't want kids to know what it was. Overtime I think I began to equate "sexual stuff", with what was happening to me "down there". I couldn't be sure that had to do with it, but it sure felt like it. And knowing about this only increased my paranoia of adults finding out about me, and that I'd hide pictures of sexy women which I'd use to make my penis stiffen on demand. I would also hide erections I would get from girls at school. It was clear that adults didn't want children feeling this way, that it was a "bad" thing. These were forbidden feelings.

Having to feel this way about sexual matters had a profound and negative affect on me throughout life, and still does at mid-age.