You can't say that life is predestined. It's not. Time may create rules that we follow such as getting wrinkles, getting gray hair, getting weak body parts, etc. But how we conduct our lives depends on our OWN decisions.

Her decision to leave was only partially because of you. Sure, in her way, she loved you. But that's not why she decided to leave. That was just her impetus. Her real reason for it was her depression -- a thought process, wildly uncontrollable without chemical help. That's the thinking she did.

Now, to the first part of your essay. You couldn't get it up. I feel it necessary to explain in clear terms how you and I feel so that others who may read this can understand just how people like us think.

Imagine a horny young fellow just itching to get a sexual release and suddenly discovers this gorgeous, young, sexy looking knockout that reeks of intense sexual desire for the young fellow. The two get into a motel and the fellow begins to pull up his lover's dress...

Then discovers that the plumbing underneath that dress belonged to a member of his own tribe. But, as intensely heterosexual as the young fellow is, he decides to placate the creature now getting naked next to him. Soon, friction and intimacy cause the young fellow to salute yet there is no "Oh god! This feels soooooo good!"

You described this feeling, Markaba. The genesis of the feeling is different but it's the same concept.

I have the same problem, only mine is much more intense. I am married to a very sexual girl. We have sex the normal way boys and girls do it and I do bring my lover to a very intense sexual release... for her. Yet, in the midst of the push in the bush, I am just not interested.

There is this little girl, near where I live, that I see on occasion, that I would come in my pants should She ever sit on my lap.

You were not obtuse, Markaba. It was not because of you; you had only a small bit part. (Oh, that didn't come out right... I won't edit it out because I hate editing my thoughts however misconstructed they are.) You only had a small role to play in her tragedy.

Your sexuality and mine are what they are. As you and I walk through time, our decisions can only take us down one of the several paths that are available to us to take. While I can function as a proper husband, that doesn't mean that I have to like it. While I would like to function as a proper lover for the little neighbor girl, doesn't mean that I can.

And there you go.