You can't say that life is predestined. It's not. Time may create rules that we follow such as getting wrinkles, getting gray hair, getting weak body parts, etc. But how we conduct our lives depends on our OWN decisions.

Her decision to leave was only partially because of you. Sure, in her way, she loved you. But that's not why she decided to leave. That was just her impetus. Her real reason for it was her depression -- a thought process, wildly uncontrollable without chemical help. That's the thinking she did.

That's all true, but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty. But as someone on VirPed pointed out, she likely would've done it eventually anyway. Still, it is a strange feeling knowing that someone took her life over unrequited love for you. As an MAP I understand that--even though I would never do it myself, I can't say the thought has never occurred to me.

Now, to the first part of your essay. You couldn't get it up. I feel it necessary to explain in clear terms how you and I feel so that others who may read this can understand just how people like us think.

No, I could "get it up" so to speak. As I said, that is a mechanical response. The problem is that I don't necessarily get turned on by that, and orgasm is not guaranteed. These days I can get turned on a lot easier than I used to, but it is still possible to get an erection without being sexually excited.

Imagine a horny young fellow just itching to get a sexual release and suddenly discovers this gorgeous, young, sexy looking knockout that reeks of intense sexual desire for the young fellow. The two get into a motel and the fellow begins to pull up his lover's dress...

Then discovers that the plumbing underneath that dress belonged to a member of his own tribe. But, as intensely heterosexual as the young fellow is, he decides to placate the creature now getting naked next to him. Soon, friction and intimacy cause the young fellow to salute yet there is no "Oh god! This feels soooooo good!"

You described this feeling, Markaba. The genesis of the feeling is different but it's the same concept.

That's sort of what I mean but not exactly. In my case there was no itch for sexual release with Lorrie (the girl who went down on me) at all. I can easily manipulate myself into erection and did, but there was just zero sexual excitement and no chance of getting off. It was a dry erection, if that makes sense, like morning wood. No pleasure in it, just a hard-on.

Thanks for your reply, Gimwinkle.