Todd, you really can't blame yourself for the loss of Melanie. Your description of her entire persona made me realize just how special she was. A two-headed snowman? Only the most awesome and creative of girls - which is saying a lot, considering how naturally creative girls tend to be on average - could come up with that. Not to mention the uber-adorable message she left to you via the inventive means of hole-poking in paper. No doubt I would have fallen totally in love with this girl myself.

Yeah, I think you would have. She was an amazing girl with messy blond hair, not unlike the girl in your sigpic, actually. :) Anyway, thanks for that.

But your attraction base is different from mine, and like all attraction bases, it's not your fault that you developed it. It was no fault of your own that you were unable to love Melanie in the way she wanted and needed. It also wasn't her fault in any way that she bonded with you as she did. These things happen, and when severe emotional problems like bipolar disorder are thrown into the mix, the results can be tragic for reasons that are really no fault of anyone at all.

I know, but I think what really bothers isn't so much that I couldn't love her that way but that I was so obtuse at the time as to completely miss the signs that she was in love with me. That is what has haunted me the most for all these years. I think if I had given her some kind of closure before I left things might have been different. Probably not, but at least she would've known it was me and not her.

Did Melanie ever seek professional help for her bipolar disorder? If she chose not to do this, then she effectively chose not to attempt to alleviate the symptoms that ultimately led her down the path to suicide. That, too, wasn't your fault. I can understand that much of her unusual personality traits was part of her charm, as great creativity is a component of the same genetic package that can make someone prone to mental illness like bipolar condition. Not surprising she had natural talent for writing and illustration.

Yes, she did. She was prescribed lithium but she wouldn't take it like she was supposed to, for the usual reasons manic-depressives don't like it: it took away her extreme highs as well as her extreme lows, and she just couldn't get used to it. I told her she should take it for awhile and let herself acclimate to it but she couldn't get past the initial difficulty.

She was an incredible illustrator. My art was more realistic than hers, but her work was more spontaneous and original than mine. Truth be told, I was a little jealous of how in touch she was with her own childhood. But we intended to combine our talents at some point, with her doing the writing and layouts for her children's books and me doing the final artwork. Alas, it would've been amazing. She also made kickass collages.

You didn't let her down, Todd. I know that you tried to love her in the way she wanted, but couldn't for no fault of your own. And there is no doubt here that you did love her as a person. But you had difficulties due to emotional problems too, and this may have caused you to fail to realize the extent of Melanie's feelings at times; or maybe you did on some deep level, and it scared you, possibly contributing to your panic attacks. You didn't know how to deal with the situation, and it may have overwhelmed you.

I think you're right that I didn't perceive the full depth of her feelings for me. At the time I thought that she wasn't really attracted to me either and just wanted to be an item for largely the same reasons I did: we just wanted sense of normality. Later I realized that she was intuitive enough to understand that she couldn't get close to me physically because I was just closed off to that. She wanted me to make the first move. After all, I was the one who asked her to go steady (now there's a phrase you don't hear much anymore).

It's also not your fault that you didn't see the note, and the unique way she expressed it to you, prior to her taking her life.

Yeah, that is the source of much of my anguish, the realization that it was right there in front of me for so long and I just didn't see it. I mean, I actually saw her make the thing. I think I did ask her at the time what she was doing and she just told me she was making something, and I left it at that. But that might just be my brain filtering events. At any rate, it was totally in character for her to do something that seemingly nonsensical just for the sake of art, so I really didn't make much of it.

Not all mistakes and errors in judgments are our fault, Todd. Nothing you ever did could hurt her as much as she hurt you and every other person who cared about her by taking her own life. I never met her personally, but just from your description, I find myself extremely saddened by the loss, especially since I can tell by your words what a gem she truly was. No wonder you were in awe of her; I would have been too. But ultimately, it's not your fault that she failed to see how valuable and awe-inspiring she truly was, and that her emotional problems were as severe as they were.

Thank you for coming to us about this. You know we'll be there for you.

You're welcome, and thank you for that, and for your thoughtful reply.