Hi Cindy,

I believe I answered much of your concern in my reply to Infinity on this post:

Post to Infinity

I'll just add a few notes and clarifications here.

Firstly, I am not advising him to have an affair. I'm just saying how to go about having one if he so chooses. I think the process I recommended is rational and in no means rash. The questions I recommend he ask himself are tough. In answering those questions, many people would decide against the affair.

I mention his wife in my post very little because he clearly states that he loves her and that they have an excellent relationship, the only exception being the lack of passion.

I would like to mention at this point that whilst I commend those who enter into marriage and have an honest go at making it a lifetime commitment, I am not prepared to apply this one-size-fits-all standard to all of society. Lifetime monogamous marriage is yet another straitjacket society has handed us as a means to make us conform. I am not saying there is anything wrong with marriage. It is a fantastic institution to those who take the time and effort to make it work.

On the other hand, many people need or want to be able to function within a different framework, and for others, marriage (or a particular marriage) is not a good idea. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people clinging to a failed marriage 'because of the kids' or some other reason. I have seen a lot of miserable people, and honestly I think it is often bad for the kids. They must witness the tension and the fights. In my opinion, it would be better for them to have separated parents and domestic tranquillity rather than having the feeling that home is a battlezone.

The marriage ideal simply does not work for others. In my case, I was married. It is unlikely I will consider another marriage. As a child lover, I simply cannot offer the total commitment to any woman that a marriage that has any chance of working requires. No, perhaps there will not be another woman (or girl) per se in my life, but my marriage would often be forced to take a back seat to my cause. Any woman to whom I was married would have to understand that, and few women would accept that.

I do commend you and many others who, despite adversity, remain committed to making your marriages work. I would suggest, however, that many people need or want more flexible arrangements. Others, as may be the case with Innocence, experience interludes where there may be somebody else. Ideally, in a totally honest and open marriage, he would be able to have his 'fling' with another woman or girl with full knowledge of both women. I have seen couples that have pulled this off. I have seen others who have failed because they were unable to control their jealousy.

I have also seen people who have had short affairs which ended and have then managed to continue in and even strengthen their marriages. Either they saw that the grass is not alway greener on the other side, or they got something out of their system and were thus no longer distracted by it.

Rather than trying to apply the same marriage ideal to all people, we need to recognize that there are many ways that one can have fulfilling relationships. Not everybody desires or needs a lifetime partner. Many do.

As a final note, I am not one to apply a double standard to this. In spite of our society's stigma against it, the woman has just as much a right to ensure her sexual and emotional satisfaction as her husband. Turnabout is fair play, absolutely. But I think any married couple ought to have an unwritten agreement that if they are going to do it, they should at least have enough respect not to bring it home or parade it in front of mutual acquaintances