Re: I'm sad (the pedo's constant dilemma)

Markaba...

I know how you feel. Being an exclusive pedo is really hard sometimes (well, a lot of times actually). Being out to everyone must make it that much harder. I know about the lack of physical contact. I haven't had any physical contact with a little girl in almost a year and a half. Luckily, my roommate's girlfriend is sympathetic and is willing to give me a hug when I'm feeling especially low. That's all I've got.

As for your desire to lead a "normal" life... I can only partially empathize. I have often thought about becoming a father, but I can't say that I have ever given a second thought to marriage or the actual process of making a child. I have never been able to properly imagine myself in a relationship with a girl my age. In all likelihood, unless some random miracle happens, I will probably be alone (at least girl-wise) for the foreseeable future. Wanting to feel like "normal" people is part of my life as well. I live among couples. Everyone I know is either someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, and most times they seem so happy. They hug each other and kiss each other and disappear into their bedrooms, but I am still alone, with no girl in my arms. The only thing we can do is to keep in mind that they have their own problems. I have seen both sides of boyfriend/girlfriend fights and I have seen how my friends are affected. Sometimes, they're emotionally worse than I am on a bad day (well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration).

As for the desire to not be labelled by society, I really think you need to move to a different part of the country. At least to a different town where people don't know you. It really sounds like you could use a fresh start somewhere else. Sure, the "greater masses", as you put it, would still label you if they knew you were a pedo. If you went to a new town, you could choose to out yourself or choose not to. I don't know if that is a temporary solution to a problem or if it would be running from a problem, but at least people might treat you with more dignity and respect than people treat known pedophiles.

I don't know if I can really offer you any constructive advice, or even if you want any. I hope you can find it within yourself to become more like the people who can embrace their pedo-ness guilt-free. Feelings of guilt don't serve any constructive purpose. And I know that it seems like we are sometimes inherently guilty in the eyes of the uneducated masses (that is to say, they try to project feelings of guilt onto us), but that's why I'm suggesting that you get a change of venue. I think getting out of there might change your outlook on things. I know my outlook changed when I moved out of the house away from people whose lives were often filled with problems and negativity.

As one of my friends says when I tell her about my problems: I wish I could help...
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Saigo no Negai