I'm sad (the pedo's constant dilemma)

I have to be honest with you all (and I can't imagine I'm alone in this)--there are times when I do not want to be a pedo. Not a girl lover, mind you--a pedo; in other words, it's not the love part that bothers me at times like these but the sexual attraction part. The last few days have brought me to that point yet again, once more casting me into a shadowy pool of self-doubt, guilt and sorrow.

Don't worry--I won't be giving you one of those speeches about denying your sexuality and finding a "cure" for what obviously isn't a disease. I'm not going to give you a bunch of reasons why I think sex with children is wrong, because frankly I don't believe it. I still think all those reasons are absolute bullshit. Likewise, I've been around this block enough times now to know that there is no easy out, no hidden escape hatch from my sexuality that I just have to locate and all will be well. No, for better or worse, I'm stuck with this.

The problem is, that doesn't make it any easier to completely accept. I can't be one of those people who embraces their pedoness 100% with no guilt whatsoever, as much as I'd like to be. It just doesn't work for me. And the desire to change isn't about believing pedosexuality is wrong--rather, it's about 1) not being judged by the greater masses and labelled sick and evil, and 2) having a "normal" life with a wife, 2.5 kids and the whole bit. In essence, both of those are the wrong reasons to not want to be a ped, but those are my reasons--take them or leave them.

Let me expound on those a bit, because I think some people may miss the subtleties here. The first one is easy, because even if every other single person in the world thought I was wrong and I felt I was right, there is no assurance that the majority is, in fact, right. It is a clear fallacy to believe so. I know that intellectually, but it doesn't make it any easier to stand up for truth and justice, especially when I'm already such an outsider in the region where I live. I can't stress that point enough. I am truly an alien here amongst xenophobes of the worst kind. But then again, truly standing on principle has never been easy--just ask Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., and the thousands of other martyrs who were tortured, murdered or otherwise persecuted for standing firm on what they believed to be right.

But it's perhaps the second one which most concerns me, because, being an exclusive ped, I've never found a suitable companion with which I could take complete physical, mental and emotional comfort in. For those of you who aren't exclusives, it may be difficult for you to comprehend the multiple levels on which this affects us:

For starters, human beings were made to be touched--it's part of the overall emotional health that we get regular physical touch, and to give it in return. I'm not talking about sexual touching--just basic physical contact, of which we exclusives are regularly deprived. I may go weeks on end without ever coming into physical contact with anyone outside of the briefest of touches, let alone get to hold or hug or kiss or snuggle with a companion, to share the warmth of another body just for the sake of sharing that contact.

Secondly, having someone you can truly share your life with--your hopes and dreams and fears and fantasies--and having them understand and accept you for who you are is something I ache for sometimes. I realize that many of you who are married don't share EVERY secret you have, particularly that secret which brings you to this very board. But at least you can commiserate with a wife when you've had a bad day, and she'll comfort you. But I have nothing like that, no one I can share my bad days with except for all of you, and as important as you all are to me, I'm sure you can appreciate that it's a poor substitute for a real flesh-and-blood companion with which you can truly relax and be yourself. And more than that--someone you can share prolonged and meaningful physical contact with.

Also, I want children, but I can't ever see that happening now. Having been outed as a ped, all such hopes were affectively dashed on the rocks of societal condemnation. I will never know the feeling of being a father, and this is sometimes unbearable.

In short, I want a "normal" life, even though I recognize that no such thing exists. And again, simply wanting to stave off loneliness is not a good reason to deny the truth about who and what I am at heart. That doesn't stop me from looking at girls/women and longing to have a relationship with them, even though I know at heart that the likelihood of ever falling in love with them is nearly infinitesimal. So, when I look at a young woman and imagine I could be married to her, I'm fooling myself and I know it. I can't ever bring myself to ask someone out knowing what I know--it wouldn't be fair to either her or me. Wanting to FEEL like everyone else isn't the same as BEING like everyone else.

So, I go round and round with myself at times like these, because my heart and my mind are at absolute odds, and it sometimes makes me feel like I'm on the brink of madness to think about it. When those little moments of panic begin to stir, I have to slap myself or shake my head to keep from falling into that bottomless nightmare of despair on the precipice of which I sit, dangling my feet over the edge and yet unable to run away from it. I'm captured at the event horizon, unable to move away and unable to surrender to that insatiable maw. It's the loneliest place in the world to be--you have no idea until you've been there.