Re: I'm sad (the pedo's constant dilemma)

struggling for words here, seriously wish i had something positive to offer (that wasn't impractical and/or outright dangerous) and all i can do really, is confirm (as have we all) that you're describing the situation perfectly.

guilt first - i have this, but it's fading, and only affects me in occasional stabs. my guilty feelings, my sense of wrongness, is based primarily on the old phallacy (sic) of childhood innocence. i read an inordinate amount of kidlit, and ninety-nine point recurring nine percent of this never touches on childhood sexuality - especially since the bulk of my reading is of the old-fashioned kind.

so it bothers me, sometimes, to think that i have 'unclean' thoughts about kids, but it's really only a momentary glitch, because all the girls i have known were way ahead of me in regard to such things, and i only have to remember my own childhood, and that of my sisters, my friends, their friends, to remind myself that there's nothing my dirty little imagination can produce that isn't trumped, in spades and bucketfulls, by the girls i so desperately admire.

the loneliness is the killer.

i really do believe that if there were some way to destroy my sexual impulses, and if that method were truly accepted by society as a reliable cure, could turn me into an incontrovertable eunuch, and would therefore make everything 'right' again - grant me that free pass back into the playground - i'd sign up for the treatment instantly, no hesitation.

kate douglas wiggin takes the words out of my mouth, when she writes Dear little one, it must be 'give and take' between thee and me. I have gained something here in all these years, but thou hast come from thence more lately than have I; thou hast a treasure that the years have stolen from me - share it with me!

thou hast a treasure... a treasure that every adult lacks. the closest i get to anything equivalent is the awareness of that lack that i find in the people who congregate here, and it is this that draws me to GC. sometimes it only makes things worse, particularly when the GMs get posted, or markaba links to another little artist so brimful of everything i miss... did you catch the expression marla's face, in the photo that comes before the butterfly painting?

it's my desktop now, as i write...

sometimes being here is worst of all, and i wind up posting these free the paeds rants, dreaming up fantasy solutions to the problem, allowing myself to believe that something actually could be done to make it all right for us all...

and it could happen, and it would happen, if we all got desperate enough to make it happen, and maybe it even will happen, but it probably won't occur as i expect it to, and perhaps it's only going to get worse, but i can't surrender hope, because to do so would stop my heart - dead.

i can't offer any solutions, but i'll keep making suggestions, and i'll keep responding to every GM with yet another post intended to fan the flames, push our communal resolve past the point of passive apathy, unite the tribe...

yeah, rant away aR, featherheaded birdbrain that you are...

the event horizon - yup, that's what this is. here we sits, like birds in the wilderness, birds in the wilderness, birds in the wilderness, here we sits like birds in the wilderness, all the live-long day... in another couple of hours i'll have the house to myself again, and i'll crank up my amps and treat the neighbours to another selection of my favourite tantrums... buddy gave me a new set of pickups for my bass, they're great, i can do earthquake impressions now... put myself into cardiac arrest if i want...

c'mon, people - GIVE!!! - just one big push - we'd all be smiling...

sigh - here's to you markaba - little brother, little 'armless brother - with love, whatever the fuck that's worth,

aR.